Whip for the week of 10/5/97
Resolved: We're all going to hell and there's nothing we can do
about it.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I have a headstart on the road to hell. After all, I'm writing this from my home in New Jersey, and anyone who's been to Newark KNOWS what I'm talking about that New Jersey is hell.
For now I'm going to hold off on issues such as the different concepts of hell and I'm not going to dwell on the fact that this debate comes the week of the Jewish Day of Atonement. What I need to talk about is a grevious wrongdoing that our entire party took part in that is the reason why we're all going to hell.
Last week, the Progressive Party whip sheet quoted my roommate, Crystal McKellar as having said, "Abstinence gives me gas," a rather personal, and slightly offensive quote. Had that been the real quote, I would have had a lot of respect for Ms. McKellar. What Crystal in fact said was, "Abstinence gives you gas," as sort of a general truth about life, not as a comment describing her sex life. This line, in fact, had very relevant context, for our whole suite was discussing a pillow that sits in our common room, which has the words, "Sex cures headaches," needlepointed onto it. Crystal's comment was one of many suggestions for a second pillow to be needlepointed by the domestic Progressive Party secretary to balance out the symmetry on the couch.
Last week was not the first time that Crystal McKellar suffered the
slings and arrows of the national media (or in our case, slightly more
local media). When she was but 12 years old, Crystal's picture was featured
in Star magazine on their page of best and worst dressed. Yep, that's right.
Crystal was among the worst
dressed. Her explanation was too long and rambling to put into the
whip sheet (after all, prog whip sheets are known for being concise and
to the point, right?), but please ask her some time about that picture
because she feels she too was wronged by that same media who indirectly
caused the death of one of the twentieth century's favorite royal characters.
The National Enquirer also ran a piece on young Crystal McKellar. It
seems that her nanny, Chandee*, was fired for tormenting the child actress,
only to head straight for the tabloids when the severance pay that she
was offered wasn't enough. Crystal said that her tennis club had something
to do with it, too, but I
missed that part of the story. The story that they ran described Crystal
and her sister Danica living under the tyranny of an obsessive mother,
who played stage mom to the point where she forced both of her daughters
into their roles as child actresses, and then fired the only woman who
tried to save them from a life of misery. As if! I've received many Christmas
cards from Crystal and her family, and they seem (a bit weird, but ultimately)
like a happy, well adjusted family.
Are we like The National Enquirer? No. Star? Guess again. The Progressive Party prides itself on the fact that anything that we say is true. So for the sake of one who has been abused by the national media enough for one lifetime, I invite you to join us this week in debating, Resolved: We're all going to hell, unless we apologize to Crystal McKellar for misquoting her.
*Character's names changed to protect the innocent.