OPENING TITLES
NARRATOR: There are very few things in life as purely terrifying as calling a twelve-year-old girl on the telephone.
[KEVIN slams the handset down in frustration.]
KEVIN: Ugh!
NARRATOR: Especially a really cute twelve-year-old girl.
Cut to
[KEVIN and others are in home room watching the liftoff of Apollo 8 on TV.]
NEWSCASTER #1 [on TV]: We're at T minus nineteen and holding as the ground crew performs one last technical check before the historic Apollo 8 liftoff.
[Camera slowly pulls back as MRS. RITVO walks in to scene.]
NARRATOR: She was in my home room in third period social studies class. I'll never forget that day.
[Camera pans down row of desks to KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: Mrs. Ritvo let us watch the liftoff on TV.
[KEVIN is slouching in his desk, bored.]
NARRATOR: Now, at the time, I'd just gotten over this whole thing with Winnie Cooper, so I didn't really know I was ready for love. I just knew that I'd lost all interest in the space program.
[Shot of girl wagging her foot.]
NARRATOR: Blast off, splash down, blast off, splash down...who cared?
[Shot of girl tucking hair behind her ear.]
[Shot of KEVIN looking at the girl, then glancing around again.]
NARRATOR: But then, my gaze settled on...on her... [Pause] ...on Lisa Berlini.
[Shot of LISA.]
[Shot of KEVIN looking at LISA.]
NARRATOR: Lisa Berlini was the kind of girl you dreamed about...
[Shot of TV.]
[Shot of he class beginning to count down.]
LISA: Five!
NARRATOR: ...but who would probably never even know your name. But then it happened.
[Shot of class.]
CLASS: Three...two...one...blastoff!
[The class yells and claps as the rocket blasts off.]
[LISA turns and looks at KEVIN. The camera zooms in on her.]
[Shot of Apollo 8 blasting off.] [Music "I'm a Believer" starts.]
NARRATOR: She looked at me - did you see that? She looked right at me! I don't know how to explain it ...
[Shot of class clapping.]
NARRATOR: ... except to say that when you're twelve, and a girl like that looks at you like that, even for an instant, ...
[Shot of KEVIN with mouth open.]
NARRATOR: ... everything else gets blasted out of your mind and into the upper atmosphere.
[Shot of rocket in upper atmosphere.]
[The bell rings, the class gets up to leave. KEVIN remains in his seat, mouth open, his ganze following LISA.]
[LISA walks to doorway, then glances at KEVIN as she exits.]
NARRATOR: I was in love.
NEWSCASTER #1 [on TV, V/O]: And if all goes well on this mission, for the first time in human history, man will orbit the moon.
Fade to
NARRATOR: So now I was a man with a mission of my own. I had to find out if she liked me. The only problem was I didn't really know Lisa all that well. Oh, let's face it, I'd never actually heard her speak.
[KEVIN picks up the phone.]
NARRATOR: Maybe the easiest thing would be to just call her on the phone.
[KEVIN picks up the handset, begins to dial.]
KEVIN: Ugh!
[KEVIN slams it down.]
Cut to
NARRATOR: On the other hand, maybe the easiest thing would be to just bump into Lisa somewhere. Casually. Accidentally. So I spent the next three days tracking her every movement.
[KEVIN writes notes in his notebook. The bell rings.]
Fade to
NARRATOR: At eleven twenty one and fifteen seconds on Tuesday the eighth I made my move. My plan was foolproof. I could already see it happening. I'd look at her, she'd look at me, I'd say "Oh, pardon me, I didn't expect to bump into you here". She'd say "Just my lucky day, I guess". One thing would lead to another. I'd suggest we talk about it over an ice cream sandwich.
[KEVIN looks in the empty classroom when LISA does not appear. He turns to leave and unexpectedly bumps into LISA.]
LISA: Oh. Hi. How are you?
[KEVIN hesitates.]
KEVIN: Fine...fine...
LISA: Well, bye.
[LISA walks away, and glances back .]
KEVIN: [displeased with himself] Fine?! [Bangs his head] Fine?!
[Editor's remark: The following scenes in red are left out in some reruns]
Cut to
NARRATOR: I realized right then there were special things a man says to a woman.
KEVIN: Ugh!
[KEVIN slams down phone.] [Theme from "Romeo and Juliet starts, and continues.]
NARRATOR: I also realized that I had no idea what those things were.
[Shot of KEVIN tossing in bed.]
NARRATOR: I was officially a goner.
[Shot of Arnolds at kitchen table, looking at KEVIN.]
[Shot of KEVIN's plate. He has spelled "LISA" with peas.]
[KEVIN covers his plate with is hands.]
MRS. RITVO [V/O]: Mr. Arnold!
Cut to
[Shot of doodles in KEVIN's notebook. He has drawn a heart with "Kevin+Lisa".]
[Shot of KEVIN looking up. WINNIE sits behind him.]
KEVIN: Uh, well..uh. Could you repeat the question, again. Please?
[Shot of MRS. RITVO.]
MRS. RITVO: I asked if you were present...
[Her voice fades as music swells.] [Shot of KEVIN looking abashed.]
Cut to
[KEVIN slams down phone.]
[Music ends.]
Cut to
PAUL: Can we sit down now? I'm getting leg cramps.
[KEVIN looks around earnestly.]
PAUL: Who are you looking for?
KEVIN: I'm not looking for anybody!
[KEVIN looks around, sees LISA, and relaxes.]
[Shot of LISA and her girlfriend.]
[KEVIN is staring across the cafeteria.]
PAUL: Why are you staring at Lisa Berlini?
[KEVIN gags PAUL with his hand. PAUL struggles.]
KEVIN: [angered] What are you trying to do to me?! Are you crazy?! All right, if I let go will you promise to be quiet? You swear?
[PAUL nods. KEVIN releases him.]
PAUL: Did I say something wrong?
[Shot of LISA and girlfriend laughing.]
PAUL: What? Do you like her or something?
KEVIN: What? Are you crazy? [Gestures.] Where do you get ideas like that?
[KEVIN looks away, then back.]
KEVIN: ... Well, sort of.
PAUL [excitedly]: Wow, really? Does she like you too?
KEVIN: Paul, I have no idea.
PAUL: Do you know who'd know?
KEVIN: Paul, you've got to promise me this once, don't let anybody know, ever!
PAUL: Okay, okay.
[PAUL starts to eat.]
KEVIN: Who?
NARRATOR: And so began the great intermediary fiasco.
PAUL: Patty Galvin. She lives right next door to her and she knows everything about her. Do you want me to ask?
NARRATOR: Torn between the forces of torturous love and the fear of horrible humiliation...
[PAUL leaves the table to ask PATTY.]
NARRATOR: I agreed on the sworn promise that not a word would ever be mentioned directly to Lisa Berlini...
[Shot of PAUL approachng PATTY.]
NARRATOR: ... to let Paul ask Patty Galvin whether or not Lisa liked me. After all, Patty did know everything about Lisa.
[PATTY stands up.]
[PAUL returns and sits down.]
PAUL: She had no idea.
KEVIN: Well, what's she doing? Where's she going now?
PAUL: She's asking Tommy Rygot.
[Shot of PATTY whispering to TOMMY. She points toward KEVIN.]
[Shot of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Oh god, it's going to be all over the school!
NARRATOR: And Tommy Rygot of course...
[Shot of TOMMY approaching a girl.]
NARRATOR: ... had absolutely no idea. But he was thoughtful enough to inquire of...of...
KEVIN: Who's she?
PAUL: I've never seen her before in my life.
NARRATOR: ...of someone we'd never seen before in our lives.
[Shot of the girl walking toward LISA.]
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL.]
KEVIN: Oh my god, no!
[The girl approaches.]
KEVIN: What's she doing?!
[Shot of KEVIN close up.]
KEVIN: Paul, what's she doing?!
[Shot of girl asking LISA and pointing at KEVIN. LISA looks at KEVIN.]
[KEVIN gets up and dashes out of the cafeteria, bumping into a boy, scattering food. Kids laugh.]
Cut to
NARRATOR: After the great intermediary fiasco had fiascoed, it was clear I could never be seen by Lisa Berlini again. There were certain places I felt I was unlikely to bump into her.
[Camera pans up row of empty stalls. KEVIN is sitting in one of the toilets. PAUL stands at stall door, holding a sandwich.]
PAUL: I'm going to flush this tuna fish sandwich if you don't want it.
KEVIN: Paul, what did she do after the girl asked her if she liked me?
PAUL: I don't know, I was watching you run out.
[The bell rings.]
PAUL: Well, I guess we've got to go to O'Brien's class.
KEVIN: Uh-uh. I'm not going anywhere, she might see me.
PAUL: Well you can't just stay here all day.
KEVIN: Why not?
NARRATOR: 'Why not?' is right. I had running water, indoor plumbing, tuna - I could last weeks.
PAUL: You're going to see her on the bus anyway.
KEVIN: Not if I walk home.
PAUL: Yeah, but what about tomorrow?
Cut to
KEVIN: Mom, I have a sore throat.
NORMA: You do? Come here and let me take a look.
[KEVIN approaches NORMA.]
NORMA: Say 'ah'.
[He opens his mouth.]
KEVIN: Ahhhhh...
NORMA: Well, it is a little red.
[NORMA grabs a flshlight and looks inside again.]
KEVIN: Ahhhhh...
NARRATOR: Of course, the human throat is always red but fortunately my mother never looked at it when I wasn't complaining.
NORMA: You'd better go back to bed.
KEVIN: Do I have to?
NORMA: No arguments. I'll bring you some cocoa and the TV. Go on.
[KEVIN turns and grins as he exits.]
Cut to
[Shot of KEVIN in bed.]
NARRATOR: After about two hours of steady bed rest and television the world always looks a little better.
[Later, in the evening... KEVIN is still in bed.]
NARRATOR: After about ten hours it always looks a lot worse. I started to feel disgusted with myself. I mean, what was I going to do? Spend the rest of my life watching Let's Make a Deal because I was afraid of a twelve-year-old girl?
[KEVIN switches the channel to watch a broadcast of the Apollo 8 mission.]
NEWSCASTER #1: [on TV] As the astronauts round the far side of the moon tonight, for the first time since the days of Christopher Columbus, mankind will truly see a new horizon.
NEWSCASTER #2: [on TV] But the thing that amazes me most, Frank, is the personal courage of those three men. They are truly rising to the challenge set forth by President Kennedy in 1960.
[KEVIN sits up.]
KENNEDY: [on TV] ...while we cannot guarantee that we shall one day be first, we can guarantee that any failure to make this effort will make us last.
NARRATOR: Suddenly I realized what I had to do. I couldn't run away from Lisa Berlini. I had to take that brave leap into the unknown.
Cut to
NARRATOR: I had to pick up the phone and call her...
[KEVIN slams down the handset.]
NARRATOR: ...right after dinner.[Twangy guitar music plays.]
[KEVIN falls backward into chair.]
Fade to
NEWSCASTER #1: [on TV] And if the moon orbit is successful, NASA officials hope to meet President Kennedy's challenge to land a man on the moon some time in this decade.
[Shot of KEVIN eating.]
NARRATOR: Well, I had a challenge of my own. I would call Lisa Berlini by eight o'clock tonight, or die trying.
NORMA [to KEVIN]: Honey, you're looking a little pale. How's your throat feeling?
KEVIN [rubbing his neck]: Pretty bad, pretty painful.
NORMA: You know, maybe I should try looking at that throat when it's normal, just for comparison.
KEVIN: Mom?
NORMA: Mmh?
KEVIN: Do you remember the first time dad called you up on the phone?
NORMA: Um, I don't really remember.
KEVIN: Oh.
JACK: I think it was Macy's.
NORMA: Oh, that's right, Macy's. I was working at a tie counter at Macy's and your father called to see if he could return a tie.
KEVIN: So you didn't even know him?
NORMA: Well, yeah, I knew him. Well, I was the one who sold him the tie. I remember holding it up to him to see if it matched his shirt.
KEVIN: So were you hoping he'd call you?
NORMA: Hoping? No. I just sold him the tie and I figured that was pretty much it.
KEVIN: Oh.
Fade to
[Sound effect of pounding heart.]
NARRATOR: Well, this was it.
[KEVIN looks at a piece of paper with LISA's phone number on it.]
NARRATOR: T minus nineteen and counting. I could just pick up that phone and call her anytime now.
[KEVIN places his hand on the handset and prepares to call. He jerks back when JACK enters.]
JACK: Norma, where's that damn check book?
NORMA [V/O]: It's in the drawer.
JACK: No, it's not. I looked.
[JACK looks in a drawer. KEVIN opens another drawer and takes out the check book.]
KEVIN: Dad?
JACK: Mmh? Oh, thanks.
[JACK takes the check book from KEVIN and starts to write a check.]
JACK: [calling out to NORMA] Never mind!
KEVIN: Um, dad?
JACK: Mmh?
KEVIN: I was just going to use the phone.
JACK: So use it.
KEVIN: Well, I was kind of hoping for a little privacy.
JACK: What do you need privacy for?
[pause]
KEVIN: Dad?
JACK: Mmh?
KEVIN: I'm calling about returning a tie. [Music starts.]
NARRATOR: As he looked at me, I knew we both sensed the cycle of family history poignantly repeating itself.
JACK: Since when do you wear ties? [Music grinds down.] Don't touch my pens.
[JACK exits.]
NARRATOR: Well, this was really it.
[Shot of clock.]
KEVIN: [rehearsing] Hi, this is Kevin. [With low voice:] Hi, this is Kevin. Hi, this is Kevin.
NARRATOR: Just do it! Do it now.
[KEVIN picks up the handset and dials. Sound effect of heartbeat.]
KEVIN: Hi, this is Kevin. How are you?
[Shot of PAUL in his bedroom.]
PAUL: Uh, fine. What's up?
KEVIN: Um, nothing. I just wanted to see how your day was.
PAUL: Oh, it was fine.
KEVIN: So what happened in math?
PAUL: Um, nothing.
KEVIN: Did you do anything good in gym?
PAUL: Mmh, no, not really.
KEVIN: Nothing?
PAUL: No, not really.
KEVIN: For god's sake, Paul! Your life is so boring. It's really depressing!
[KEVIN slams the phone.]
PAUL: Hello?
[PAUL looks befuddled.]
Cut to
[Shot of clock. Sound effect of heartbeat.]
[Shot of KEVIN at phone, looking at piece of paper.]
NARRATOR: Well, something deep inside me said It wasn't the way every muscle in my body tightened, although it did. And it wasn't because every nerve ending in my body tingled, although it was. No, it was bcause the way every piece of food I had eaten for dinner suddenly went into the spin-cycle in my stomach.
[Shot of KEVIN's hand timidly reaching toward phone.]
[The phone rings, startling KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Ah!
[The phone rings again. KEVIN answers it.]
KEVIN: H-hello? Yeah Jeff, just a minute. [Calling out:] Wayne. Wayne!
[WAYNE enters. KEVIN passes him the handset.]
KEVIN: It's Jeff, but, could you kind of keep it short? Because I got to, you know, use the phone.
WAYNE: I'll be off when I'm off, scrote. This happens to be a very important phone call. [To Jeff:] Yo, butt face. Yeah, how you doin'? Did you see the way I nailed Jimmy on the bus today?
NARRATOR: Wayne's idea of an important call was obviously a little different from mine, or any human being's for that matter.
KEVIN: Wayne, can this wait?
WAYNE [to KEVIN]: Nah, in a minute. [to phone] Oh yeah. Oh god, he's a real weeder. You know, I think we should all tie him up and uh...
[Later... ]
WAYNE: ...yeah, all right, talk to you tomorrow. [To KEVIN:] All yours, scrote.
[WAYNE shoves the phone against KEVIN. WAYNE turns and begins to leave, then stops.]
NARRATOR: Oh no, no, please, no. Why didn't I call before? Why?
[WAYNE turns and walks toward KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: Maybe he was just going to ask if I wanted the door shut.
WAYNE: Who you calling, scrote?
KEVIN: No-one.
WAYNE: Been waiting kind of a long time to be calling no-one, pal.
KEVIN: Leave me alone, Wayne.
WAYNE: Could it be a girl?
KEVIN: Leave me alone!
WAYNE: Let's see, who could it be?
KEVIN: No-one, now get out!
WAYNE: Could it be Debbie Ackerman?
KEVIN: Get out!
WAYNE: Katie Osborne?
KEVIN: Quit it!
WAYNE: Well, the number's got to be here somewhere.
[They start fighting. WAYNE grabs a piece of paper from KEVIN.]
WAYNE: Uh, uh uh. Thank you. Uh, Lisa. Do we know any Lisas?
KEVIN: That's not even it.
WAYNE: Oh. I'm sure you won't mind if I call her then, will you, pal, huh?
KEVIN: Not at all.
WAYNE: All right.
[WAYNE picks up the phone and dials. KEVIN tries to look relaxed. WAYNE pauses on the last number, teasing KEVIN.]
KEVIN: No!
[KEVIN struggles to grab the phone from WAYNE.]
KEVIN: Give me it, please, Wayne, oh god, no! Please, please, oh please! Give...
WAYNE: It's ringing.
KEVIN: Oh god, no! Please!
JACK [V/O, yelling]:
Hey, what the hell is going on in there?
[WAYNE and KEVIN bang the phone down.]
WAYNE: Argh! Nothing.
[WAYNE rubs his finger, pretending to be in pain as JACK enters.]
JACK: Wayne, get out of here and leave him alone. Now!
WAYNE [to KEVIN]: Butt head.
[WAYNE leaves. KEVIN looks at the clock.]
NARRATOR: Well, I still had one minute before eight o'clock. If I had a shred of manhood in me I would call her now.
[KEVIN picks up the handset and dials. Sound effect of heartbeat.]
NARRATOR: T minus seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
[While the phone rings, KEVIN imagines what might happen when LISA answers. He imagines LISA answering the phone, sitting in her room.]
LISA: Hello. This is Lisa. Kevin who? Kevin Arnold? [To a friend:] Who's Kevin Arnold?
[LISA's friend whispers something.]
LISA [to KEVIN]: Oh, hi Kevin. [To her friends:] Hey, you guys. You've got to hear this.
[Her friends gather around her]
LISA [to KEVIN]: I'm fine Kevin, how are you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You don't say.
[LISA giggles. Her friends start laughing. A crowd has gathered around LISA, including her MRS. RITVO and two newscasters.]
NEWSCASTER #1: We're here live at the Lisa Berlini house where Lisa is talking to Kevin Arnold on the telephone. Jim, maybe you have an answer to the question we've been wondering about. Why would Kevin call Lisa when it's so obvious she thinks he's a total jerk?
[The crowd begins to laugh uncontrollably.]
NEWSCASTER #2: I really don't know Frank, but if we put our microphone up close to the phone we could actually listen in on the call, although I don't know if our audience will be able to hear above all this laughing.
[KEVIN slams down the handset.]
NARRATOR: Eight o'clock had come and gone. I guess I just couldn't do it.
NORMA: [V/O, calling] Kevin. Kevin, honey, you should be watching this.
[KEVIN walks into the living room. NORMA, JACK, WAYNE, and KAREN are sitting on the couch watching the broadcast of Apollo 8.]
NEWSCASTER #2: [on TV] For the first time ever seen by human eyes, the planet Earth rising over the moon. Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn't it Frank? To think that there on that lovely glowing orb wars are being fought, storms raging, people are being born, people dying, all our human conflict, our passion, our pain, being carried on beneath that veil of clouded blue.
[Shot of earthrise from space.]
[Shot of KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: And suddenly I got this funny feeling. Maybe I was blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I mean, Lisa wasn't going to laugh at me.
[Shot of earthrise from space.]
NARRATOR: And anyway, what if she did? Did it really matter?
[Shot of KEVIN.]
NEWSCASTER: And now this...
[A commercial break appears on the television. KEVIN leaves.]
NARRATOR: And that's when I knew what I had to do.
[KEVIN sits by the phone and picks up the handset.]
NARRATOR: I just had to pick up the phone and call her.
[KEVIN dials.]
KEVIN: Lisa? Hi, this is Kevin, from home room.
Cut to
KEVIN [V/O]: Yeah, right, the little guy. Oh, I had a sore throat. Nah, it's not too bad. I'll probably come back to school tomorrow. Mrs. Ritvo? Yeah, she's so weird. Haha...
Fade to