NARRATOR: Every great act has its own routine.
GEORGE: Gracie, say goodnight.
GRACIE: Goodnight.
GEORGE: Goodnight.
[Audience laughter and applause.]
[Clip of AVERY and SHRIVER.]
NARRATOR: Delivery...timing...
AVERY: Ya know what I mean?
SHRIVER: Yeah.
AVERY: Eh?
SHRIVER: Yeah.
AVERY: Eh?
SHRIVER: Yeah.
[Clip of Groucho Marx dancing in front of his reflection in the mirror.]
NARRATOR: They take years to perfect.
[Groucho spins around, but his "reflection" doesn't.]
[Clip of SENOR WENCES with his hand puppet.]
NARRATOR: It takes hard work and practice.
SENOR: 'S'aright?
PUPPET: 'S'aright.
SENOR: 'S'aright.
[Clip of the Three Stooges as Moe grabs Curly and Larry by the hair.]
NARRATOR: But once you've got it down...
[Moe bangs Curly on the top of the head.]
NARRATOR: It becomes...
[Moe hits the others in the stomach.]
NARRATOR: Second-nature. Routine.
Fade to
KEVIN: Butthead!
[KEVIN pushes WAYNE.]
WAYNE: Dorkface!
[WAYNE pushes KEVIN hard into KAREN's newspaper.]
KAREN: Grow up!
[Close shot of KEVIN glancing from KAREN to WAYNE off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Take my family. Please.
["Brrrp-pish!" of drums.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of NORMA near the sink as JACK approaches behind her.]
NORMA: Good morning. [Smiles.]
[NORMA hands JACK a cup of coffee.]
JACK: Hnnn...
NARRATOR: Talk about routines...
[JACK walks past the camera. NORMA looks after him, then turns back to the sink.]
NARRATOR: We had a million of 'em.
[Shot of WAYNE as JACK sits down and opens the newspaper.]
[Shot of NORMA as she walks across the kitchen.]
NORMA: Kevin? Did you feed -
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
KEVIN: Mom, can you do it? [Gestures.] I gotta get to school early...
[Close shot of NORMA pausing and frowning slightly.]
KAREN [V/O]: Mom?
[Close shot of KAREN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
KAREN: Did you fix that button on my -
[Close shot of NORMA smiling slightly as she crosses the kitchen.]
NORMA: I sewed it on last night. [Smiles.]
[Close shot of JACK looking toward his cup and frowning.]
JACK: Norma, where's my -
[Close shot of NORMA smiling slightly.]
NORMA: It's in your briefcase.
[Close shot of WAYNE frowning and gesturing.]
WAYNE: Hey, where's uh -
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective as NORMA approaches with a glass.]
NORMA: Right here. [Smiles.]
[Wide shot of all.]
NARRATOR: Yep - we had 'em all.
[NORMA turns to the counter near the door.]
NARRATOR: Timing, delivery...
[NORMA is looking at a small piece of paper.]
NARRATOR: And of course, the best straight-man in the business.
[Close shot of NORMA looking over her shoulder toward JACK off-screen.]
NORMA: Jack?
[NORMA glances down then back to JACK as she holds up the paper.]
NORMA: The tickets for the concert series arrived. [Smiles.]
[Close shot of JACK looking at his newspaper.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking down and smiling.]
NARRATOR: Good old mom.
[She looks toward JACK off-screen and frowns slightly.]
NORMA: Honey?
[Close shot of JACK as he looks up from his paper.]
JACK: Uh...no, no.
[He raises his cup slightly.]
JACK: Just coffee's fine. [Smiles.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking at JACK off-screen.]
NORMA: No, Jack...[waves tickets]...I was talking about the concert series. [Nods.]
[Close shot of JACK.]
JACK: Oh...
[Close shot of NORMA.]
NORMA: It starts this Thursday night. They're doing chamber music. [Nods.]
[Close shot of JACK looking blankly at NORMA off-screen.]
NORMA [V/O]: I think it should be fun.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking toward JACK off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Uh-huh. You could always count on Norma Arnold...
[KEVIN looks toward NORMA off-screen.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking at JACK off-screen.]
NARRATOR: To set up the punchlines.
[Close shot of JACK looking at NORMA off-screen.]
JACK: Thursday's gonna be a bear, Norma.
[He nods and smiles uncomfortably.]
JACK: It's this damn audit.
[JACK glances sideways toward KEVIN, then toward NORMA off-screen.]
JACK: One of the kids'll go with ya. [Nods.]
[Shot of KAREN, KEVIN and WAYNE. "Brrrp-pish!" of drums. KEVIN looks up.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking expectantly toward the kids off-screen.]
[Close shot of KAREN as she looks toward NORMA off-screen.]
KAREN: I've got a date.
[Close shot of KEVIN as he shrugs slightly.]
KEVIN: Big history test Friday. [Gestures.] Gotta hit the books. [Smiles.]
[Close shot of WAYNE as he calmly eats an English muffin.]
[Close shot of KEVIN glancing toward NORMA off-screen.]
NARRATOR: You had to hand it to her. Mom was perfect at the part.
[Close shot of NORMA looking from KEVIN to JACK off-screen somberly.]
NARRATOR: Like any great comedian.
[NORMA looks down and nods slightly.]
PAUL [V/O]: Kev, it isn't funny!
Cut to
PAUL: I can't walk into the cafeteria looking like this.
[Shot from behind KEVIN and PAUL as they lean on the sinks.]
NARRATOR: Of course when it came to playing straight-man...
[Close shot of KEVIN in profile as he brushes his hair back and smiles slightly.]
NARRATOR: I had some experience of my own.
KEVIN: Paul, it's just a cow-lick. [Nods.] It's not so bad. [Frowns.]
[Close shot of PAUL looking at KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: What do you mean, "not so bad"? "Not so good", right? That's what you really mean.
[Close shot of KEVIN sighing and turning toward the mirror.]
NARRATOR: For instance, when Paul's self-esteem was down...
[KEVIN looks at PAUL off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Read any day of the week...
[Close shot of PAUL in profile as he looks in the mirror and smoothes his hair.]
NARRATOR: It was routine for me to build him back up.
[PAUL turns toward KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: It looks like I've got pipe-cleaners growing out of my head!
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: It looks fine!
[Shot from behind KEVIN and PAUL as HOBSON enters, and is reflected in the mirror.]
HOBSON: Hey, Alfalfa!
[PAUL turns around.]
[Close shot of HOBSON.]
HOBSON: Nice "'do". [Smiles.]
[Shot of PAUL and KEVIN looking toward HOBSON off-screen.]
PAUL: Get bent, Hobson!
[Shot from behind PAUL and KEVIN as HOBSON approaches, reflected in the mirror.]
HOBSON: Careful what you say, Pfeif...
[HOBSON walks across the shot holding up some folded notebook paper.]
HOBSON: Or I might not let you see the Berlini poll.
KEVIN: What?
[HOBSON holds the folded paper against the mirror.]
[Close shot of the paper.]
NARRATOR: The "Lisa Berlini poll". The definitive rating...
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking toward the paper off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Of the male faction at RFK Junior High.
[Shot of HOBSON, and DOUG behind him, as HOBSON takes some gum out of his mouth and sticks the paper to the mirror with it.]
NARRATOR: It was the kind of document that eventually led to deep-seated neuroses...
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking toward the paper off-screen.]
NARRATOR: And psychotherapy.
[Close shot of HOBSON looking att he paper.]
NARRATOR: Not that we knew about that stuff in eigth-grade.
[HOBSON looks toward KEVIN and PAUL off-screen.]
HOBSON: Read 'em and weep, cupcakes. [Smiles.]
[Wider shot of all as HOBSON cocks his finger at PAUL, laughs, then exits. KEVIN, PAUL and DOUG hesitate, then excitedly peer at the list.]
DOUG: Is my name on it?
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at himself in the mirror.]
KEVIN: "Best eyes"? I got "best eyes"?! [Nods.] What about the rest of my face?
NARRATOR: Well, I guess it could have been worse.
[Close shot of PAUL and DOUG looking at the paper. PAUL looks toward KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: "Brainiest". [Nods.]
NARRATOR: I could have been Paul.
[PAUL sighs and looks at the paper.]
[Shot from behind as PAUL turns away.]
DOUG: Does anybody see my name?!
[The camera pans slightly with KEVIN as he turns after PAUL.]
PAUL: Man, last time at least I got...[gestures]..."best-mannered".
KEVIN: Hey!
[Shot past PAUL of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: There's nothing wrong with being brainy. [Smiles.]
[Shot of PAUL and KEVIN as a boy exits between them.]
BOY: Thank God I didn't get "brainiest". [Smiles.]
PAUL: Man, first a cow-lick the size of Mount Rushmore, and now this.
[Shot past PAUL of KEVIN as PAUL looks down shakes his head, and exits past the camera.]
NARRATOR: Uh-oh. You could sense Paul heading for a major-league slump, here.
[Shot of PAUL dejectedly getting his books from the shelf.]
NARRATOR: This was gonna take...care.
[Shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: Paul, nobody's gonna notice.
[Shot of PAUL as KEVIN passes the camera.]
KEVIN: Trust me.
[KEVIN gets his books.]
PAUL: You think so?
KEVIN: Yeah. [Smiles.]
NARRATOR: Care...and a little good luck.
[The camera pans slightly as they exit.]
[Sound of a screaming woman.]
Cut to
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL on the couch, looking at the TV off-screen.]
PAUL: Now, there's a brain.
[Close shot of the TV screen. The brain is on a chair.]
PAUL [V/O]: Pretty attractive, huh?
KEVIN: Paul, it's just a stupid movie. [Gestures.]
PAUL: Man, I'd rather be "ugliest" than "brainiest.
[NORMA descends the stairs behind them carrying a full laundry basket. The camera pans up slightly.]
NORMA: Paul Pfeiffer! Who said you were ugly?
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: Nobody said he was ugly.
[PAUL snorts.]
[Close shot of PAUL looking at KEVIN, then over his shoulder at NORMA off-screen.]
PAUL: No...they said brainiest.
[PAUL looks forward and frowns.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
PAUL [V/O]: Babes are already starting to beat down my door.
[Close shot of PAUL looking off, then pulling off his glasses.]
PAUL: It's these stupid glasses.
[Wider shot as NORMA takes a few steps along the back of the couch.]
NORMA: What are you talking about?
[Close shot of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Never mind, mom.
[Close shot of PAUL looking toward NORMA, then forward.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NARRATOR: After all, if I couldn't cheer the guy up, what could Mom do?
NORMA: Paul...
[Close shot of PAUL looking down, then turning toward NORMA off-screen.]
NORMA [V/O]: I've known you a long time.
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: And I've always thought that your glasses make you look very...manly. [Nods.]
[Close shot of PAUL perking up slightly and looking at NORMA off-screen.]
PAUL: Manly?
[Close shot of KEVIN raising an eyebrow and looking off.]
NARRATOR: Manly?
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: Absolutely. [Smiles.]
NARRATOR: Of course she was obviously throwing him a line.
[Close shot of PAUL looking thoughtfully at NORMA off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Still, the fish were biting.
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: You know...a lot of great men wear glasses.
[Close shot of PAUL frowning slightly at NORMA off-screen.]
PAUL: Like who...?
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: Well, like...Arthur Miller.
[Close shot of KEVIN frowning at them off-screen.]
KEVIN: Who's Arthur Miller?
[Close shot of PAUL looking at NORMA off-screen.]
PAUL: You think Arthur Miller is handsome?
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: Well, not just me. Marilyn Monroe thought so, too. [Nods.]
[Close shot of PAUL as he reaches for his glasses and hold them up.]
PAUL: I guess I'd never really thought about it that way before.
[PAUL looks toward NORMA off-screen and smiles lightly.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Naturally he hadn't. It was patently ridiculous...
[Close shot of PAUL smiling as he flips the strap over his head.]
NARRATOR: Whoever Arthur Miller was.
[Close shot of NORMA looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NORMA: Glasses can make the man, Paul. [Smiles.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Still, ya had to hand it to old Mom.
[Close shot of PAUL looking off and smiling in thought.]
NARRATOR: Paul was lappin' up the kind words like -
[Wider shot as NORMA leans forward on the back of the couch.]
NORMA: Hey! How about some cocoa?
PAUL: Uh, I'm allergic to instant.
NORMA: Oh, I make it from scratch.
[NORMA looks at KEVIN.]
NORMA: It always cheers Kevin up.
[Close shot of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Look, Mom...I don't think he -
[Close shot of PAUL.]
PAUL: That sounds great. [Nods.]
[Close shot of KEVIN.]
NORMA [V/O]: Let's go!
[Wider shot of all as PAUL gets up.]
NORMA: I'm in the mood for some, too.
[NORMA turns toward the stairs and PAUL follows. NORMA hesitates and looks at KEVIN.]
NORMA: How about you, honey?
[KEVIN turns toward the TV.]
KEVIN: No. No thanks.
[PAUL follows NORMA up the stairs.]
[Closer shot of KEVIN glancing over his shoulder.]
PAUL [V/O]: So - who else wore glasses?
NORMA [V/O]: Well...
NARRATOR: Sure - let 'em have a little time together. It was no skin off my nose.
[KEVIN looks forward and resettles himself on the couch.]
NARRATOR: After all, Mom's cocoa and sympathy could never prepare Paul for the cold realities of -
Cut to
BOY [V/O]: Hey, brainiac!
[The camera passes two boys standing at he side of the hallway.]
BOY: Heard any good theorems lately, gray matter?
NARRATOR: Real life.
GIRL: Hey, big brain...
[Two girls hurry past PAUL and KEVIN, smiling.]
NARRATOR: Life after Lisa Berlini.
RANDY: Look at it this way, Pfeiffer...
[KEVIN rolls his eyes as he and PAUL slow up. RANDY approaches behind them.]
RANDY: Brainy's not so bad.
[Close shot of RANDY looking at PAUL off-screen.]
RANDY: There are a lot of librarians out there lookin' for a man! [Smiles.]
[Shot of PAUL and KEVIN looking blankly at RANDY off-screen.]
[Close shot of RANDY smiling at PAUL off-screen.]
[Shot of PAUL and KEVIN looking at RANDY off-screen.]
NARRATOR: OK - that was my cue.
[Close shot of RANDY giggling at PAUL off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Time to come to the rescue, here.
[Close shot of PAUL looking at RANDY off-screen.]
PAUL: Yeah, well, I guess being brainiest is something you'll never have to worry about.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Or, maybe not.
[Close shot of RANDY frowning at PAUL off-screen.]
RANDY: Oh - very funny..."four-eyes".
[Close shot of PAUL looking at RANDY off-screen.]
PAUL: Hey, pal - Arthur Miller wears glasses.
[Close shot of RANDY frowning at PAUL off-screen.]
RANDY: Who's Arthur Miller?
[Close shot of PAUL looking at RANDY off-screen.]
PAUL: Why don't you ask Marilyn Monroe?
[Wider shot as PAUL smiles smugly and walks past the camera.]
RANDY: Huh?
NARRATOR: Well, well, well.
[KEVIN and RANDY glance at each other.]
NARRATOR: Seemed we had a new Paul on our hands.
Cut to
NARRATOR: Yep. My best friend was feeling...better.
[KEVIN pauses and looks past the camera toward the dining room.]
PAUL [V/O]: So then I said...
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of PAUL standing next to NORMA a she folds some placemats.]
PAUL: "Why don't ya ask Marilyn Monroe".
[NORMA smiles dramatically.]
NORMA: Oh...
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at them off-screen as they laugh.]
NARRATOR: Much better.
Cut to
[Wide shot up the driveway of KEVIN and PAUL, as PAUL dribbles.]
NARRATOR: In fact, over the next few days, it was all he talked about.
[Closer shot of PAUL dribbling.]
PAUL: I've been thinking about getting wire rims.
[PAUL shoots.]
[Wider shot of both as the ball drops off the rim.]
[Closer shot of KEVIN as he gets the ball.]
KEVIN: Wire rims?
[Close shot of PAUL.]
PAUL: To accentuate the positive. [Gestures.] Glasses can make the man...
[Shot of KEVIN frowning as he dribbles.]
PAUL [V/O]: Your shot.
NARRATOR: "Accentuate the positive"...
[KEVIN dribbles forward then jumps up.]
NARRATOR: "Glasses make the man"...
[Wider shot of both as KEVIN shoots. PAUL gets the rebound and dribbles toward the camera.]
NARRATOR: Was this a kid I was playing with, or a clotheshorse?
[Closer shot of PAUL as he turns toward the camera and basket.]
PAUL: You know...I could probably get Dad to special-order some frames like Donald Perman's.
PAUL [V/O]: That'd be neat.
[Close shot of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Who's Donald Perman? [Frowns.]
[Shot of PAUL as he dribbles and shoots a hook shot.]
[Wider shot of both as the ball bounces of the rim and KEVIN gets the rebound.]
PAUL: Course, Ben Franklin wore bi-focals - but I don't need those.
[Shot of KEVIN frowning as he holds the ball.]
KEVIN: Paul! [Gestures.] Who's Donald Perman? [Nods.]
[Close shot of PAUL.]
PAUL: That guy your mom dated in high school.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
PAUL [V/O]: She thought he was really good-looking.
[Close shot of PAUL.]
PAUL: She showed me his picture in her yearbook.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Her yearbook? When did Paul ever see my mom's yearbook?
[Close shot of PAUL smiling at KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: Man! We must have talked for about an hour yesterday.
[Close shot of KEVIN frowning at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: Where was I? [Shrugs.]
[Close shot of PAUL frowning at KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: Why didn't you ever tell me your mom wanted to be a singer?
[Close shot of KEVIN frowning at PAUL off-screen.]
[Close shot of PAUL smiling and nodding at KEVIN off-screen.]
PAUL: Isn't that a funny story about the audition for the radio commercial...
[Close shot of KEVIN as he frowns, then shoots a hook shot.]
NARRATOR: Radio commercial?
[Shot from directly under the basketball basket as the ball bounces off the rim.]
[Wider shot of both as KEVIN gets the rebound.]
NARRATOR: My mother never told me about any radio commercial.
[Close shot of KEVIN as he looks over his shoulder.]
KEVIN: Yeah, well...
[KEVIN turns and gestures.]
KEVIN: It's not so funny after you heard it a bazillion times...[Nods.]
[Shot of PAUL smiling.]
PAUL: I thought it was hilarious. Especially the part about the shoulderpads. [Laughs.]
[Close shot of KEVIN tossing the ball to PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: Look...
[Shot of PAUL catching the ball.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: I'm gonna go get something to drink. Ya want anything?
[Wider shot of both as KEVIN approaches the camera. KEVIN stops as PAUL gestures.]
PAUL: Hey, I'll get it.
[PAUL tosses the ball back.]
PAUL: Be right back.
[PAUL exits toward the kitchen.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking after him off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Sometimes Paul could be a real dink.
NARRATOR: I mean, I wanted to shoot hoops, and this guy wanted to talk about my mother's history.
[Wider shot of KEVIN as he dribbles slowly.]
NARRATOR: Who cared?! I had more important things to think about.
[Closer shot from behind KEVIN as he dribbles, turns and shoots.]
[Shot of the basket as the ball banks into it.]
NARRATOR: Like winning an NBA title...
[Close shot of KEVIN catching the ball.]
[Shot of KEVIN shooting again.]
NARRATOR: In triple overtime...
[KEVIN shoots again.]
NARRATOR: With a shot at the buzzer.
[KEVIN shoots a few more times.]
[Wider shot as KEVIN arches his back with his feet apart. Sound of a sports buzzer.]
KEVIN: And the crowd's gone wild!
[Close shot of KEVIN as he cups his hand to his mouth. Sound of a cheering crowd. KEVIN lifts his arm and waves to the crowd.]
[KEVIN returns to reality as the crowd noise ends.]
NARRATOR: The crowd, maybe. But what about...
[Wide shot as KEVIN bounces the ball away, and approaches the kitchen.]
NARRATOR: The other team?
Cut to
NARRATOR: Didn't Paul realize there were more important things in life...
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of NORMA and PAUL at the kitchen table. He sits down as she pours him a cup of cocoa.]
NARRATOR: Than...
PAUL: Then all of a sudden, the legs...
[Close shot of KEVIN looking through the window.]
NARRATOR: Sitting around, having cocoa...while my mother laughed...
[Close shot of NORMA laughing.]
NARRATOR: Harder than I'd seen her laugh in years.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking through the window as PAUL and NORMA talk and laugh.]
Fade to
[Closer shot of two girls flinging their hair back and laughing.]
"Did you ever have to make up your mind"
[Wider shot of several girls trotting across the field.]
[Closer shot of one girl running toward the camera.]
"Pick only one and"
[Shot of one girl doing "the splits".]
"Leave the others behind"
[Shot of a few girls practicing with pompoms as another does a cartwheel.]
"It's not always easy"
"It's not always kind"
[Closer shot of one girls legs as the camera pans up her.]
"Did you ever have to make up your mind"
[Shot of the pack of girls running around the back of the goal net.]
[Shot of KEVIN, RANDY, HOBSON and another boy on the bleachers, watching the girls off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Article Five, Section Six of the Eight-grade Boys' Code of Conduct...
[Shot of the pack of girls running toward the camera.]
NARRATOR: When faced with a popularity poll you don't like...
[Close shot of KEVIN watching them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Make up your own.
[Close shot of a couple of girls. A different shot of other girls.]
[Close shot of HOBSON watching the girls off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Of course, we took it seriously.
[HOBSON makes notes in a notebook.]
NARRATOR: There was an art to this.
[Shot of a group of girls.]
NARRATOR: Points awarded for intelligence...
[One trots off and does a cartwheel.]
NARRATOR: Political awareness...
[Shot of the guys on the bleacher.]
NARRATOR: And of course...
RANDY: Best body...?
KEVIN ET AL: Didi Rodriguez. [Nods.]
[Close shot of DOUG looking over his shoulder at the others off-screen.]
DOUG: No way! Holly Stern!
[DOUG glances toward the field, then leans forward conspiritorically.]
DOUG: She shaves her legs!
[Close shot of HOBSON looking at DOUG off-screen.]
HOBSON: Doug, you're droolin'.
[Close shot of DOUG smiling.]
NARRATOR: Of course he was drooling - that's what adolescents do.
[Wider shot of all on the bleacher.]
[PAUL enters and steps up the bleachers.]
PAUL: Hi.
[PAUL sits down.]
NARRATOR: Well, most adolescents.?
[Shot past KEVIN of PAUL.]
PAUL: What are you guys doing?
[Close shot of KEVIN frowning and looking off.]
NARRATOR: Oh... decide to spend some time with people your own age, huh?
RANDY [V/O]: We're doing a poll.
[Close shot of RANDY nodding at PAUL off-screen.]
RANDY: To get back at Lisa Berlini.
[Wider shot of all on the bleachers.]
KEVIN: How about "best smile". [Smiles.]
PAUL: You know who has a great smile?
[Shot past PAUL of KEVIN as he turns.]
[Shot past KEVIN of PAUL.]
PAUL: Your mom. [Nods.]
NARRATOR: Was he nuts?
[Close shot of RANDY frowning and shaking his head slightly.]
NARRATOR: When the guys found out...
[Close shot of DOUG.]
NARRATOR: What he thought about my mother...they would -
[Close shot of KEVIN looking from PAUL to HOBSON off-screen.]
[Close shot of HOBSON.]
HOBSON: Ya know...Arnold's mom's not bad.
[Close shot of RANDY nodding slightly.]
NARRATOR: Agree...
[Close shot of DOUG smiling.]
DOUG: She shaves her legs, too. [Smiles.]
[Shot past DOUG of KEVIN. He glances off and frowns.]
KEVIN: You're talking about my...[gestures]...mother!
NARRATOR: As if she were some kind of, uh...woman!
[Shot past KEVIN of PAUL.]
PAUL: I think we should put down Kevin's mom for "best smile". [Nods.]
[Shot past PAUL of KEVIN.]
KEVIN: Paul - that's ridiculous! [Frowns.] I mean...
[KEVIN looks toward the girls and gestures.]
KEVIN: This is a school poll.
HOBSON [V/O]: Wait a minute.
[Close shot of HOBSON.]
HOBSON: Pfeiffer's actually got a decent idea.
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking at HOBSON off-screen. PAUL glances around, and KEVIN turns toward him.]
NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
[Close shot of HOBSON gesturing with his pencil.]
HOBSON: Lisa Berlini should know she's in competition with ...
NARRATOR: ...real women.
Cut to
NORMA: Look what I got for your tub, honey!
NARRATOR: Norma Arnold.
[Shot of KEVIN looking toward NORMA off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Homemaker, mother, wife...
[Shot of NORMA smiling.]
NARRATOR: Teen idol.
[Shot of KEVIN looking toward NORMA off-screen. The telephone rings. KEVIN glances toward it.]
[Wider shot as NORMA walks across the kitchen and answers the phone. KEVIN is doing homework at the table.]
NORMA: Hello? Oh, hello, Paul...
[NORMA turns toward KEVIN.]
[Close shot of KEVIN waving his hands in front of himself and shaking his head.]
KEVIN: Tell him I'm not home.
NARRATOR: Fact is, I'd had just about enough of -
[Close shot of NORMA as she covers the phone with her hand.]
NORMA: It's for me, honey.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking off.]
NARRATOR: OK - fine. In fact - perfect.
[Shot of NORMA on the phone.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking off.]
NARRATOR: Because once Mom discovered how boring Paul was on the phone...
NORMA [V/O]: Oh, Paul! [Laughs.]
[KEVIN looks at her off-screen.]
[Shot of NORMA on the phone.]
NORMA: Really? [Smiles.]
NARRATOR: Ah, excuse me, Mrs. Arnold...
[Close shot of KEVIN looking off.]
NARRATOR: But don't we have better things to do?
[KEVIN looks at his watch.]
NARRATOR: Now?
[Shot of NORMA on the phone.]
NORMA: Well, I have to go now, Paul...OK...OK. Bye.
[Wide shot of both as she hangs up, turns around, and sighs.]
NORMA: Oh, dear. Your father will be home soon...
[NORMA hurries toward the camera and opens a cabinet.]
NORMA: And I'm not sure what to do about dinner.
[Shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
NARRATOR: OK - this was the mom I knew.
[KEVIN stands up and walks toward the kitchen.]
NARRATOR: The mom that fixed dinner.
[Close shot from behind NORMA as she looks in the cabinet.]
NORMA: Now that Paul's going to the concert with me tonight.
[Close shot of KEVIN as he pauses.]
KEVIN: What?
[Close shot from behind NORMA as she looks over her shoulder.]
NORMA: Yeah. That's why he called.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
NORMA [V/O]: He asked if he could go with me.
KEVIN: How'd Paul know about the concert?
[Wider shot of both.]
NORMA: Well, I told him your father couldn't come...
[NORMA closes the cabinet and crosses to the refigerator and opens the freezer.]
NORMA: And since the rest of you were busy, that extra ticket shouldn't go to waste.
[NORMA takes a pizza from the frezer and shuts the door, then crosses toward the sink.]
KEVIN: Look, Mom - you know all Paul's gonna do is talk through the whole thing. [Gestures.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
KEVIN: It's not like he even knows what chamber music is...
NARRATOR: Which made two of us.
NORMA [V/O]: He said he wanted to expand his horizons.
[Close shot of NORMA as she turns and smiles.]
NORMA: I think that's nice.
[She puts the pizza in the oven.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking off.]
NARRATOR: Nice? Why did I suddenly smell a Pfeiffer in wolf's clothing?
[Wide shot of both.]
NORMA: Well, I better get ready.
[NORMA takes the tickets off a shelf.]
NORMA The concert begins at seven. [Smiles.]
[She hurries past the camera. KEVIN takes a few slow steps after her.]
NARRATOR: The funny thing is, I hadn't seen Mom so excited in...months.
Cut to
JACK [loudly]: Norma? Can you come here a minute?
NORMA [V/O in the distance]: I'm still...
[Shot from behind JACK who stands in front of the coffee table. KEVIN and Buster are on the couch.]
NORMA [V/O]: Getting dressed, honey!
NARRATOR: In fact...
[Closer shot of KEVIN and Buster.]
NARRATOR: She was sounding down-right...chipper.
[Doorbell rings. JACK crosses the camera toward the door.]
JACK [V/O]: I'll get it.
[Shot of JACK at the door as he opens it, revealing PAUL in a coat and tie, holding a plate of green Jell-O.]
PAUL: Oh, hi, Mr. Arnold. [Smiles.] I brought a Jell-O mold.
[Shot past PAUL of JACK looking at the Jell-O.]
PAUL: My mother wanted me to bring it over.
[JACK looks at PAUL.]
PAUL: It's lime Jell-O.
[Shot past JACK of PAUL.]
PAUL: She put fruit cocktail in it, but we didn't have any of those little marshmallows -
[Shot past PAUL as PAUL shakes his head, and JACK looks over his shoulder.]
JACK [loudly]: Norma?! Paul's here!
NORMA [V/O in the distance]: I'll just be a minute!
[JACK looks at PAUL.]
JACK: She'll just be a minute. [Nods.]
[Wider shot as JACK backs up and PAUL enters past him. JACK shuts the door and moves next to PAUL and pauses, then looks toward the hallway.]
JACK: Norma?
[Wider shot as JACK takes a step toward the hallway.]
JACK: This pizza's still frozen in the middle.
[Shot of KEVIN and Buster as KEVIN looks toward the TV.]
NORMA [V/O in the distance]: Turn it up to four-fifty for about another ten minutes.
JACK [V/O]: Oh.
[Shot of JACK and PAUL as JACK approaches the camera.]
JACK: Hnnn...
PAUL: Oh...
[JACK pauses.]
[Shot past PAUL of JACK as PAUL demonstrates.]
PAUL: And...sprinkle a little water on the crust.
[JACK frowns.]
[Close shot from behind KEVIN as he turns over his shoulder.]
PAUL [V/O]: I've always found the only way you can get the middle warm is...
[Shot past JACK of PAUL gesturing.]
PAUL: Burn the sides.
[Shot past PAUL of JACK frowning at him.]
NARRATOR: That was it. The same thirteen-year-old who was dating his wife...
[PAUL rearranges some pepperoni slices.]
NARRATOR: Was now giving him cooking tips?
[Close shot of KEVIN turning around more on the couch.]
NARRATOR: Dad wasn't gonna stand for this.
[Shot past PAUL of JACK frowning at him.]
JACK: How much water?
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at them off-screen.]
[Shot past JACK of PAUL.]
PAUL: Oh, just a little sprinkle. [Demonstrates.]
[Shot past PAUL of JACK frowning at him.]
PAUL: Sir.
JACK: Hnnn...
[JACK exits toward the kitchen.]
[Wider shot of JACK, KEVIN, and PAUL as JACK passes the camera. PAUL sits on the arm of the couch with the Jell-O.]
NARRATOR: OK, then - if Dad wouldn't do it, I would.
[Closer shot of KEVIN and Buster.]
NARRATOR: It was time to explain to Paul...my mother...
[Shot past KEVIN of PAUL looking at Buster off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Was just like everyone else's mother.
[Shot past PAUL of KEVIN.]
NORMA [V/O]: OK, I'm ready...
[KEVIN and PAUL look over their shoulder toward NORMA off-screen.]
[Shot of NORMA entering in slow motion, dressed in a black dress and pearls.]
NARRATOR: Only more beautiful.
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking at NORMA off-screen.]
[Closer shot of NORMA as she adjusts an earring. She looks toward the boys off-screen and smiles.]
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking at NORMA off-screen. PAUL smiles slightly.]
[Close shot of NORMA adjusting an earring.]
NORMA: Hi, honey. [Smiles.]
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL looking at NORMA off-screen.]
BOTH: Hi. [Smiles.]
[They look at each other.]
[Wider shot of all three as NORMA looks at PAUL's Jell-O.]
PAUL: Oh!
[PAUL stands up suddenly and holds out the Jell-O.]
PAUL: My mom wanted me to give this to you.
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA.]
NORMA: Oh, thank you! [Smiles.] That was very nice of her.
JACK [V/O]: Hey!
[PAUL and NORMA look toward JACK off-screen.]
JACK [V/O]: Should I...
[Shot of JACK approaching, holding the pizza.]
JACK: Put some foil on this? [Smiles.]
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA as they both wrinkle their nose and shake their head.]
BOTH: It'll stick.
[Close shot of JACK looking at the pizza.]
JACK: Oh...
[Shot of PAUL and NORMA.]
NORMA: Well, are you ready? [Smiles.]
[PAUL nods. They head toward the door.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: It was...embarrassing.
[KEVIN looks toward JACK off-screen.]
[Shot of JACK looking at the pizza.]
NARRATOR: Didn't Dad see?
[JACK hurriedly exits past the camera with the droopy pizza.]
NARRATOR: While he was busy playing "Susie Homemaker"...
Cut to
NARRATOR: My best friend was squiring his wife around town.
[NORMA turns around in the walkway as JACK and KEVIN stand in the doorway.]
NORMA: Well. I'll seeya later. And, if you want a snack tonight...
[Shot of NORMA and PAUL as she holds up the Jell-O.]
NORMA: There's Jell-O. [Smiles.]
[Shot past NORMA and PAUL as she hands the Jell-O to PAUL.]
[Close shot of KEVIN frowning slightly as he takes the Jell-O.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective as NORMA and PAUL walk toward the car.]
PAUL: You really look gorgeous.
NORMA: It should be fun.
[Shot of KEVIN and JACK in the doorway, both frowning.]
NARRATOR: Yep - there was definitely something wrong with this picture.
Cut to
NARRATOR: By nine that night...
[KEVIN passes JACK, who is sitting
down at the table.]
NARRATOR: The pizza was burned, the Jell-O was gone...
[KEVIN pours some milk on JACK's cereal.]
NARRATOR: And the toaster had blown a fuse.
[KEVIN sits down.]
NARRATOR: Without Mom to help...
[KEVIN pours some milk on his cereal. JACK peers at his own and motions for more milk.]
NARRATOR: Dad and I had been reduced...
[KEVIN pours some more milk on JACK's cereal.]
NARRATOR: To the lower end of the food chain.
[JACK gestures slightly.]
NARRATOR: Plus, the more rudimentary forms of communication.
[JACK takes a spoonful.]
[Close shot of KEVIN as he takes a spoonful.]
[Close shot of JACK as he chews noisily.]
[Close shot of KEVIN as he chews noisily.]
[Close shot of JACK as he chews noisily, and nods slightly at KEVIN off-screen.]
[Close shot of KEVIN as he chews noisily, looking off.]
NARRATOR: Seemed like a perfect time to do a little historical research.
[KEVIN looks toward JACK off-screen.]
KEVIN: Dad?
[Close shot of JACK as he chews.]
JACK: Ummmm?
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at JACK off-screen.]
KEVIN: Did you know Mom when she wanted to be a singer?
[Shot past KEVIN of JACK as he smacks, frowns, then nods.]
JACK: That's right. She did.
NARRATOR: OK!
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at JACK off-screen.]
NARRATOR: An actual eye-witness. Maybe I was on to somethin' here.
KEVIN: And was she really -
JACK [V/O]: Kev...[Gestures.]
[Close shot of JACK looking at KEVIN off-screen.]
JACK: Put a lid on it. [Frowns.] I gotta get this finished by tomorrow.
[Wider shot of both as JACK picks up a small stack of papers and taps them on the table to align them.]
KEVIN: Sure.
NARRATOR: Sure...
Fade to
[Shot of KEVIN on the couch, with a leg on the coffee table. the "Smothers Brothers" Show is on TV.]
[Closer shot of KEVIN with his hand behind his head, looking off.]
NARRATOR: Except I kept thinkin' of Mom and Paul. Why had she told him about Donald Perlman, and not me?
[Shot of the TV.]
NARRATOR: Not that I felt threatened or anything. It's just...well...
[Close shot of KEVIN sighing slightly.]
NARRATOR: Was it possible, just possible, that...?
TOMMY [V/O]: Mom liked you best!
[Shot of the TV as Tommy frowns at Dick.]
TOMMY: Mom liked you best!
[The TV screen goes to snow, then back to the show, in which KEVIN and PAUL have replaced Tommy and Dick.]
KEVIN as TOMMY: Mom liked you best!
[Close shot of KEVIN looking surprised and perking up.]
[Shot of the TV with Tommy and Dick.]
DICK: You lower your voice!
TOMMY [in a deeper voice]: Mom liked you best!
[Audience laughter.]
[Wide shot of the front door area as NORMA enters.]
NORMA: Hi, everybody!
[She puts her purse on the chest of drawers.]
NORMA: We're home!
[She walks toward KEVIN and rubs his head.]
NARRATOR: Great. The woman in black.
[Close shot of KEVIN sitting up as NORMA exits toward the kitchen.]
[Wider shot of KEVIN and PAUL.]
NARRATOR: And her teenaged Lothario.
PAUL: Hey.
[Close shot of KEVIN as he slowly turns toward PAUL off-screen, then looks forward and sighs.]
KEVIN: Hey.
[Close shot of PAUL looking at KEVIN off-screen.]
NARRATOR: OK. It was time to put this four-eyed Romeo in his place.
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at PAUL off-screen.]
KEVIN: Have a nice time?
[Close shot of PAUL looking at KEVIN off-screen, then nodding and glancing off slightly.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of JACK sitting at the dining room table crunching numbers.]
NORMA [V/O]: Missed a great evening, honey.
[NORMA approaches from the kitchen.]
NORMA: Paul and I had the most wonderful time.
JACK: Uh-huh...
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
NORMA [V/O]: The most beautiful music.
NARRATOR: But I guess I already knew it wasn't Paul I was angry at.
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of JACK and NORMA.]
NORMA: Anyone for some hot cocoa?
NARRATOR: It was Mom.
[NORMA smiles and waves a dish towel, then exits.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking after NORMA, then toward PAUL off-screen.]
[Close shot of PAUL looking toward NORMA off-screen.]
PAUL: I'd love some.
[Close shot of KEVIN watching PAUL exit toward the kitchen.]
Fade to
NARRATOR: I could have used some cocoa, myself. But I couldn't go in there.
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of PAUL and NORMA standing in the kitchen. PAUL hands a cup to NORMA.]
NARRATOR: Because it was pretty clear now whatever was going on between my mother and Paul...
[Shot of KEVIN and JACK, as KEVIN turns away.]
NARRATOR: ...was just between my mother and Paul.
[KEVIN sits at the dining room table.]
NORMA [V/O]: I've always loved Beethoven.
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of PAUL and NORMA standing in the kitchen as PAUL holds out a rose.]
PAUL: Um...I got this for you.
[NORMA puts her cup down and turns toward PAUL in mild surprise.]
NORMA: Oh...
PAUL: It's from my mother's garden.
NORMA: Well, thank you...
[She takes the rose.]
NORMA: It's a beautiful rose, Paul.
[Close shot of KEVIN watching them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Sure. What was next - a formal proposal?
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA holding the rose.]
NORMA: Which is...why you shouldn't waste it on me.
[NORMA holds the rose out.]
[Shot past NORMA of PAUL.]
PAUL: But you have to take it. I'm allergic.
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA. She smiles and giggles.]
[Close shot of KEVIN watching them off-screen.]
[Shot past NORMA of PAUL smiling.]
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA holding the rose and smiling.]
NORMA: There are going to be a lot of very wonderful girls in your life who would die to get a rose from you. [Nods.]
[Shot past NORMA of PAUL. He frowns and shakes his head.]
PAUL: I doubt it.
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA holding the rose.]
NORMA: I don't. You're a very special person, Paul.
[Close shot of KEVIN watching them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: And I guess there was something in the way she said it...
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA as she looks at him over her shoulder.]
NARRATOR: That made me understand...
NORMA: I hope you never get contacts...because you don't need them. [Smiles.]
NARRATOR: Mom wasn't breaking my heart...
[Shot past NORMA of PAUL smiling.]
NARRATOR: She was breaking Paul's.
[Close shot of KEVIN watching them off-screen.]
NARRATOR: Without breaking it.
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of NORMA stirring the cocoa at the stove as PAUL picks up a handbill from the counter.]
PAUL: Well, I guess I better go.
[Shot past PAUL of NORMA turning toward PAUL.]
NORMA: I had a great time. Thank you. [Nods.]
[Shot past NORMA of PAUL smiling.]
PAUL: Me, too. [Nods.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective as PAUL exits toward the door. He pauses and looks at NORMA.]
PAUL: Thanks, Mrs. Arnold.
[PAUL exits.]
[Shot from the kitchen of KEVIN and JACK at the dining room table. KEVIN stands up slowly.]
NARRATOR: And in that moment, I began to realize...a lot of things.
[KEVIN leans on the doorjamb.]
[Close shot of NORMA at the stove looking down pleasantly.]
NARRATOR: Maybe my mother didn't go to the concert with Paul because she thought he was special...
[Shot of KEVIN in the doorway.]
NARRATOR: But because he thought she was special. Special enough to ask more than...
[JACK stands up.]
NARRATOR: "Where's my jersey", "what's for dinner", or...
[JACK turns and approaches the kitchen, frowning.]
JACK: Who took the TV guide?
[JACK passes the camera.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective as JACK enters past the camera and approaches NORMA.]
NORMA: Oh, try Wayne's room under his pillow...
[Shot of KEVIN in the doorway.]
NORMA [V/O]: Or maybe it's behind Karen's record-player.
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective as JACK turns, frowns and walks toward the camera.]
JACK: It's supposed to stay on the - [gestures.]
NORMA: I know...
[Shot from behind JACK as he pauses in the doorway and turns toward NORMA.]
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective of NORMA at the sink.]
NARRATOR: I guess Dad realized it, too.
[Close shot of JACK looking toward NORMA off-screen.]
JACK: So. You had a good time? [Smiles.]
[Close shot of NORMA turning toward JACK off-screen and smiling.]
NORMA: Uh-huh. [Nods.]
[Close shot of JACK smiling, then suddenly frowning slightly and looking off.]
JACK: Yeah, well...
[JACK frowns at NORMA off-screen.]
JACK: Isn't there supposed to be another one of these things?
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at JACK off-screen.]
[Close shot of NORMA looking at JACK off-screen and pausing.]
NORMA: Next month...[Nods.]
[Close shot of JACK looking toward NORMA off-screen.]
JACK: Huh...[nods]...so, uh...[shrugs]...we'll go.
[Close shot of NORMA looking at JACK off-screen, then smiling.]
NORMA: OK. [Nods.]
[Shot of JACK and KEVIN in the doorway as JACK turns slowly.]
JACK: OK. [Smiles.]
[JACK taps KEVIN on the arm and exits. The camera pans over slightly on KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: The night Paul Pfeiffer gave my mom a rose...
[Shot from KEVIN's perspective on NORMA at the sink as she pours a cup of cocoa.]
NARRATOR: He gave me something, too.
[NORMA walks toward the table.]
[Close shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen.]
NARRATOR: He gave me a new way of seeing her.
[KEVIN approaches the camera.]
[Shot of NORMA sitting at the table as KEVIN passes the camera. She smiles at him as he approaches and stands next to the table.]
KEVIN: I guess Paul's not gonna drink his.
[Close shot of NORMA looking at KEVIN off-screen.]
KEVIN [V/O]: Can I have some?
[NORMA leans forward.]
NORMA: I was making it for you.
[Shot of KEVIN looking at NORMA off-screen. He pauses, then smiles.]
[Wider shot of both as KEVIN sits down.]
[Shot past NORMA of KEVIN looking at her.]
NARRATOR: Paul made my mother feel good. Because he didn't look at her the way we always did.
[Close shot of NORMA smiling slightly at KEVIN off-screen.]
NARRATOR: We saw "Mom". And he saw "Norma Arnold".
[Shot past NORMA of KEVIN looking at her.]
NARRATOR: And I think she liked that, for a change.
KEVIN: Mom? [Smiles.] Did you really audition to sing for a commercial?
[Shot past KEVIN of NORMA looking surprised.]
NORMA: Oh! [Nods.] It was a radio commercial.
[Shot past NORMA of KEVIN looking at her.]
KEVIN: Yeah? [Smiles.]
[Shot past KEVIN of NORMA.]
NORMA: For axle grease.
[Shot past NORMA of KEVIN smiling at her, then laughing.]
[Wider shot of both as they laugh, and KEVIN takes a sip.]
NORMA: Ya know what axle grease is?
[KEVIN shakes his head slightly.]
KEVIN: Uh-huh...
NORMA: Well, it's where they...
[The camera pulls back slowly as they continue to chat.]
NARRATOR: That night I found out my mother once got sent to the principal's office for smoking in the bathroom. And that she almost married someone else, until she met my dad. I learned a lot about her - about who she was...about who she'd been...about who she wanted to be.
[The camera pulls back through the dining room doorway as they continue to chat.]
Fade to
NARRATOR: And the next morning, she was "Mom" again.
[JACK enters the kitchen from the basement hallway, adjusting his shirt.]
NARRATOR: Our straight-man.
[NORMA hands JACK a cup, and he sits down.]
NARRATOR: Only, this time - I knew better.
Fade to
[Nat King Cole - "Unforgettable" plays as the camera pans across several other photos of NORMA.]
Fade to