The Wonder Years - Transcript

Episode 10: Steady As She Goes

Written by David M. Stern
Transcribed by Ken Stephenson
Edited and corrected by Kyle Gittins and Peter Reynders

OPENING CREDITS

Fade to

INT. DAY. BOY'S RESTROOM AT SCHOOL.

[Several boys teasing one BOY in particular.]

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a boy's popularity was based on kickball abilities, pea-shooting range, and how much of the alphabet he could squeeze off with one burp.

[BOY leaves restroom. Shot of a school corridor. Three girls talking to one GIRL in particular.]

NARRATOR: For the same boy to acquire a comparable level of popularity in junior high school, he's gonna need a girl. The ceremony rarely strays from tradition. Fully unprepared for his certain someone to be surrounded by three giggling friends, Boy grows thirsty and proceeds to drink. He will continue to drink until the gaggle disperses or his stomach explodes--whichever comes first. Girl, acutely aware of boy's presence, warns her friends that she will in fact die if they abandon her. To no avail. She is forsaken, left to yell a meaningless ...

GIRL: You guys!

NARRATOR: ... after them and tend to the business of rearranging her locker.

[Shot of BOY.]

NARRATOR: Seeing his opportunity, Boy prepares for final approach. He takes one last breath and lunges forward. .

[BOY taps GIRL on shoulder. GIRL feigns surprise.]

GIRL: Oh, God. You scared me.

NARRATOR: And they engage in small talk.

BOY: Hi.

GIRL: Hi.

[Shot of BOY.]

NARRATOR: Feeling the full weight of the moment, boy realizes that those three gallons of fountain water have just funneled directly to his palms, armpits, and feet.

BOY: So, uh, how's it going?

GIRL: Fine. How are you?

BOY: Pretty good.

GIRL: That's good.

NARRATOR: Down to his final wisps of saliva, Boy decides that the time has come to quote-unquote "pop the big one."

BOY: You wanna go steady?

GIRL [smiles]: Sure.

[Soaring orchestral music begins.]

NARRATOR: And just like that, the ceremony is complete ...

BOY: Good.

GIRL: Good.

NARRATOR: ... leaving the newly-formed couple with [music stops] absolutely nothing left to say to each other.

[PAUL and KEVIN have been watching.]

PAUL: Man, he looks like he's ready to barf. Why would anyone want to go steady anyway?

KEVIN: Don't ask me.

PAUL: What's so great about going steady? Personally, I'd rather play the field.

KEVIN: Yeah, I know what you mean.

[KIRK and WINNIE walk past.]

NARRATOR: Paul was right. You didn't want to get tied down too early in life. I mean, look at Kirk McCray.

[Shot of KIRK and WINNIE in hallway.]

NARRATOR: Winnie Cooper had him wrapped around her little finger. Thank God I was a free man.

PAUL: [trying to get KEVIN's attention] Kevin?!

KEVIN: Huh?

PAUL: I said, did you hear about Kirk and Winnie?

KEVIN: No.

PAUL: Well supposedly they might break up. I heard it from Becky Slater.

KEVIN: So, who cares?

PAUL: I hear Kirk thinks Winnie likes someone else.

KEVIN: Big deal.

NARRATOR: Oh, great. Now he clams up. What was he gonna make me do? Ask him?

KEVIN: So? Who does she like?

PAUL: I don't know. But whoever it is, it'll be a big step down from Kirk McCray. I can tell you that. I mean, he's like the coolest guy in the whole school. I don't know who she thinks she's gonna get even half as good as he is, because he's like the top of the--

KEVIN: Paul, you should really stop worrying about Winnie Cooper's love life. I mean, it's kinda pathetic.

PAUL: I was just saying.

NARRATOR: I'd been toyed with too many times to get excited about one measly rumor.

[KEVIN sees WINNIE walk away sadly from KIRK. KIRK, frustrated, slams locker shut.]


INT. DAY. CAFETERIA.

[PAUL and KEVIN playing paper football. KEVIN taps the "ball" right to the edge of PAUL's side of the table.]

NARRATOR: Besides, Paul and I had plenty to do without girls gettin' in the way.

KEVIN: It's good. [He gestures.]

[PAUL slides finger along edge of table without disturbing football]

PAUL: No.

KEVIN: No way! Your finger's crooked!

PAUL: [demonstrating again] I'm going straight!

KEVIN: Not that I don't trust you or anything.

[KEVIN slides his finger along edge of table and sets football spinning.]

PAUL: These surfaces are too slick.

KEVIN: Are you kidding? These are the best in the school.

NARRATOR: Competition. Accusations. Common cruelty. These were things we understood. [KEVIN kicks field goal. Ball hits PAUL in face. KEVIN and PAUL laugh.] Why did it ever have to change?

[BECKY approaches the table.]

BECKY: Hi, Paul. Hi, Kevin.

KEVIN: Oh. Hi, Becky.

PAUL: Hi, Becky.

BECKY: [to PAUL] I know someone who likes you.

PAUL: Big deal. Well, who is it?

BECKY: Well, I can't tell you her name. But her initials are C. H.

PAUL: C. H. - C. H. - C. H.?

[Shot of PAUL in deep thought. KEVIN look at him like he's an idiot.]

NARRATOR: Big mystery here. Carla Healey--who was the only female in Paul's life who wasn't a blood relative.

PAUL: C. H.?

BECKY [smiling]: If you're interested, she'll be at the skating rink tonight.

PAUL: [feigning interest] Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.

BECKY: See you guys later. [Exits.]

PAUL: C. H., I wonder who that is. Who cares?

KEVIN: Yeah. Who cares?

PAUL: Yeah. Who cares?

[They resume game.]

PAUL [brightly] So, you feel like going skating tonight?

Cut to


INT. DAY. SINGING CLASS.

[Shot of MR FRACE playing piano, kids in background are on risers, holding music books. They are singing "Yellow Bird".  The kids get out of sync.]

[Shot of MR FRACE. He bangs keys in frustration.]

MR. FRACE: What's the wrong with you kids? You forget how to sing since yesterday? Alright, we'll try something more contemporary.

[He jabs finger at kids.]

MR. FRACE: Page six, West Side Story.

[He flips his sheet music.]

[Shot of kids singing.]

PAUL [whispering to Kevin]: Alls I'm saying is that I think it would be fun to go skating.

KEVIN: I hate skating. Why don't we just go bowling?

PAUL: I'm sick of bowling. All we ever do is bowl, bowl, bowl.

KEVIN: Do not.

PAUL: I'd rather get some exercise, some fresh air.

KEVIN: It's an indoor rink, Paul.

PAUL: Come on, Kevin.

[Shot of KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: All right. This had gone far enough. It was time to do what any red-blooded twelve year old would do when his buddy's about to dump him for a girl: torture him for it.

KEVIN: Well, uh, what's the matter, Paul? Wanna skate with Carla Healey?

PAUL [defensive]: No!

KEVIN: Well, I thought you didn't like her anymore.

PAUL: I don't!

KEVIN: Oh. Well, you know, I think you two would look very cute skating across the ice, hand in--

PAUL: I'm not gonna skate with Carla Healey. I just think it's gonna be fun. We'll go skating. That's all.

NARRATOR: It was hopeless. He was a goner. One lousy "I-know-someone-who-likes-you," and he's ready to sell out our--

[KEVIN sees WINNIE looking his way while singing.]

NARRATOR: Hold the phone. What have we here? That was no "I'm-glad-we're-still-friends" look. That was "Tony, Tony! Take me, I'm yours!" My God, it was a moment. Maybe those rumors about Winnie and Kirk were true.

[Shot of KEVIN singing.]

[Music changes.]

WINNIE: [V/O, singing, with adult voice of MARIA from West Side Story] Hold my hand, and I'll take you there.

KEVIN: [singing, with adult voice of TONY] Somehow!

WINNIE: [as MARIA] Someday!

KEVIN: [as TONY] Somewhere!

WINNIE and KEVIN: [as MARIA and TONY] Somewhere!

[Music ends.]

[PAUL taps KEVIN on shoulder and directs his attention to door behind him, where KIRK holds a sign up to the window: "I'm sorry Winnie."]

[WINNIE smiles at KIRK. KIRK smiles.]

PAUL: What'd I tell you?

[KEVIN looks disheartened.]

Cut to


INT. NIGHT. SKATING RINK.

[PAUL, CARLA, and others are skating. KEVIN watches from off the ice.]

[PAUL and CARLA wave to KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: Well, one minute you're up, the next minute you're down.

[PAUL skates up to KEVIN.]

PAUL: How's it goin'?

KEVIN [sarcastically]: Just wonderful. The time of my life.

PAUL: [looking across rink at CARLA, who waves back] She's all over me. [PAUL smiles.]

KEVIN: Paul, she doesn't know how to skate.

PAUL: Well, what should I do?

KEVIN: I don't care. Why don't you just ask her?

[KEVIN gives PAUL a "don't bug me" look.]

NARRATOR: You could say that I was being unfair. But there were two hours until Mom came back to pick us up, and I was losing the best friend I ever had.

[PAUL looks hurt.]

PAUL: You're not mad at me, are you?

KEVIN[sarcastically]: Mad? Why should I be mad?

[PAUL shugs.]

KEVIN [more sincerely]: Look let's just skate, OK? [Gestures.]

RINK ANNOUNCER: [over speaker] Next song will be couples only. Couples only. All others please clear the ice.

[KEVIN makes "just great" face. "Ooh Baby Baby" by the Miracles begins playing over rink speaker.]

[PAUL skates off a step, then turns to KEVIN.]

PAUL: We'll do some tag team later, okay?

NARRATOR: Well, that was the end of that. I'd lost him ...

[Shot of PAUL joining CARLA.]

NARRATOR: ...to a woman.

[Shot of bored KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: Whatever happened to the pristine days of baseball cards and lugey contests? Since when did women start to rule our lives?

[WINNIE skates up to where Kevin is standing.]

WINNIE: Hi, Kevin.

NARRATOR: Huh-muh-nuh, huh-muh-nuh, huh-muh-nuh.

KEVIN: Hi. [smiles]

WINNIE: How come you haven't been skating?

KEVIN: Oh, I, uh, I hurt my ... knee.

WINNIE: That's too bad.

NARRATOR: God, she looked beautiful.

KEVIN: Where's McCray?

WINNIE: [rolling eyes] Who knows?

NARRATOR: What was this tone? Trouble in Paradise?

KEVIN: Something wrong?

WINNIE: No. Well, I was going to ask you something, but I didn't know you were hurt.

KEVIN: Uh, no, it-it's, uh, not that bad. It's feeling better already.

NARRATOR: Breathe deep, little man. Here come's the big one.

WINNIE: This is really embarrassing.

KEVIN: Don't be embarrassed.

NARRATOR: Come to Papa...

WINNIE: Well ...

KEVIN: Go ahead.

WINNIE: D-do you want ... [long pause] Do you want to ... skate [another long pause--the question appears to be over] with Becky Slater?

KEVIN: What?

WINNIE: This is so embarrassing. Becky Slater, she kind of asked me if I'd ask you. [KIRK skates by and grabs WINNIE by the arm, taking her out of shot.]

WINNIE [V/O]: Kirk! [Laughs] Please, I'm gonna fall!

[Shot of KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: It's hard to describe what I was feeling at that moment in time. Humiliation? Sorrow? Or was it more ... [as if suddenly understanding his emotions clearly] intense hostility?

[KEVIN heads out on to the ice.]

NARRATOR: Becky Slater!? Weeks of waiting in the wings [knocks a kid over] and all I get is Becky Slater!? I'll give you ...

KEVIN: [skating up to BECKY] Becky Slater!

BECKY: Yes?

KEVIN: [with impatient determination] You wanna go steady?

BECKY [smiles]: Sure.

KEVIN: Let's skate.

[KEVIN grabs BECKY's hand and skates off with a passion, dragging BECKY behind him.]

NARRATOR: My first steady girlfriend.

Fade to


INT. DAY. CAFETERIA.

[Shot of KEVIN sitting next to WINNIE.]

NARRATOR: Well, I suppose you could say that going steady with Becky Slater had gotten me closer to Winnie Cooper.

[Camera pulls back to include KIRK and BECKY.]

NARRATOR: Although not quite the way I'd pictured it.

BECKY [to WINNIE, through KEVIN]: Did you here about Susan and John Rodgers?

WINNIE: What about them?

BECKY: Supposedly, Susan thought she saw John and Gina together, you know, like together. But they weren't together together, they were just studying together. But Susan might break up anyway.

WINNIE: No way.

BECKY: I don't know; that's what I heard.

WINNIE: I--I can't believe it.

BECKY: She's been giving him the silent treatment, so he's been spending a lot of time with Jessica, you know like talking and stuff, but I mean etc., etc.

NARRATOR: Sitting there wedged between my dream girl and my significant other, one thought kept rolling back and forth through my mind: "Dear God, what have I done?"

[More chatter and laughter. KEVIN laughs, pretending to enjoy the conversation.]

NARRATOR: I didn't know this girl. I didn't want to know this girl.

KIRK: Hey, Kev-Bo, check it out.

[KIRK opens lips to reveal skin of an orange wedge covering his teeth. Grunts like an ape. KEVIN laughs half-heartedly.]

BECKY: Anyway, I couldn't believe it.

Cut to


INT. DAY. ARNOLDS' KITCHEN.

KAREN: Wayne, why don't you get up off your butt and help out a little?

WAYNE: I put away the dishes.

KAREN: Oh, well, in that case, why don't I feed you some grapes?

WAYNE: Peel them if you would, please.

[Phone rings.]

WAYNE: [answering phone] Hello? [pause] Kevin? Kevin who?

KEVIN: [whispering and grabbing for phone] Give me it, Wayne.

WAYNE: Oh, you mean little Kevin Arnold? Just one moment, please. [To KEVIN, teasingly] Kevin, it's for you.

KEVIN: [annoyed and embarrassed] Wayne!

WAYNE: [on phone again] Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask who's calling. May I ask who's calling? [pause] Becky Slater? Oh, just one moment; let me see if he'll take your call. [To KEVIN] Kevin.

KEVIN: Wayne!

WAYNE: It's your girlfriend.

KAREN: Girlfriend?

KEVIN: [on phone, quietly] Hello? [pause] Yeah, yeah. [pause] Look, I gotta go. We're eating dinner. [Annoyed] Yes! Bye.

[NORMA in kitchen, turns toward KEVIN.]

NORMA: Becky Slater? Is that the Slater family on Elm Street?

NARRATOR: Here we go. Serve up my love life for a little dinner conversation.

NORMA [to JACK]: Honey, you remember the Slater's? We met them last fall at the PTA fair.

JACK: Oh. Tire business, right?

NORMA: Little Becky Slater, huh? She's a cute one, Kevin.

NARRATOR: Why do mothers always feel at liberty to discuss your love life at the dinner table? Probably the same reason they feel it their business to check the crotch of your pants in the middle of a crowded clothing store and say, "Plenty of room in there!"

KAREN: Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.

KEVIN: It's no big deal.

WAYNE: Now, Kevin, I wouldn't call going steady "no big deal."

NORMA: Going steady?

KEVIN: [quietly, embarrased] Mom!

JACK [to KEVIN]: Do kids still give each other ID bracelets?

KEVIN: No. No, we don't. Any other questions?

[Shot of NORMA in kitchen.]

NORMA: Whatever happened to Winnie Cooper? I thought you were--

KEVIN [with increased volume]: Look, I said it was no big deal. She's just a stupid girl that I met at the skating rink. And I didn't even know her. Okay? She's just one of Winnie Cooper's stupid little friends, and I'm gonna break up with her as soon as I get the chance. Okay? Are you all satisfied now?

[Shot of individuals smiling at KEVIN's embarrassment.]

[WAYNE laughs at this outburst.]

JACK [to KAREN]: Um, would you pass the potatoes, please? [He smiles again.]

[KEVIN gets up from table, bumps KAREN's chair.]

KAREN: Kevin!

WAYNE: Nya-na na-ni neee-ni.

Cut to


INT. DAY. CLASSROOM.

 

 

[BECKY tosses note on KEVIN's desk: "Kevin + Becky" in heart.]

[Music of B. B. King's "The Thrill Is Gone" begins.]

[KEVIN turns toward BECKY in surprise. She smiles and waves.]

NARRATOR: Well, it seemed simple enough in theory.

Cut to


INT. DAY. SCHOOL HALLWAY.

[KEVIN hands BECKY books to put in locker. BECKY is talking nonstop. She spots someone, waves, and drags KEVIN off.]

NARRATOR: I'd just kill off the relationship before it got out of hand.

Cut to


EXT. DAY. SCHOOL STEPS.

[BECKY, talking nonstop to friends, puts arm around KEVIN, who has no part in conversation.]

NARRATOR: And yet I couldn't seem to find the appropriate time. It was always one thing or another.


INT. DAY. CLASSROOM.

[KEVIN and BECKY play Cat's Cradle. PAUL and CARLA do the same. PAUL and KEVIN bored.]

SONG: The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away

[PAUL and KEVIN glance at each other.] "The thrill is gone, baby"

"The thrill is gone away"

[BECKY taps KEVIN to get his attention.]

SONG: The thrill is gone, Baby
The thrill is gone away
You know you done me wrong, Baby

[KEVIN looks wistfully at two boys playing paper football.]
And you'll be sorry some day

Cut to


INT. NIGHT. SKATING RINK.

[KEVIN and BECKY are at a table. BECKY blows cover off straw.]

[Music fades out.]

NARRATOR: Before I knew it, Becky and I had been going steady for a whole week. That's nearly six months in adult years.

WAITRESS: What'll it be, kids?

KEVIN: I'll have a Coke and some fries.

BECKY: I'll just have some of his.

NARRATOR: Woof! This chick was gettin' in deep. First she splits your fries. Next thing you know she'll be movin' her textbooks into your locker.

[Shot of KEVIN looking uncomfortable.]

[BECKY is looking KEVIN over.]

BECKY: Kevin? Is something wrong?

KEVIN: What do you mean?

BECKY: I don't know. It's like we don't talk anymore.

NARRATOR: Anymore? This was the first conversation we'd ever had.

BECKY: Are you mad at me or something?

KEVIN: No. Not really. I don't know.

NARRATOR: Don't be a coward. Break it off clean. One shot behind the ear. She won't feel a thing.

BECKY: [snuggling closer] I'm really glad we're going steady.

KEVIN: Look, Becky, we have to talk.

BECKY: [at exactly the same time, not hearing KEVIN] Winnie! Over here!

WINNIE: [approaching table] Hi, you guys. Have you seen Kirk around? I was supposed to meet him here.

BECKY: I don't think he's here. Why don't you sit with us?

WINNIE: I don't know.

[WINNIE looks at KEVIN.]

NARRATOR: Hey, hey. What's this? The physical contact too much to take?

WINNIE: I don't think I should. But if you guys see Kirk, will you tell him that I'm looking for him?

KEVIN: No sweat, right Becky?

BECKY: Sure.

KEVIN: Sure you don't want some fries?

WINNIE: No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

NARRATOR: Well, take this.

[KEVIN feeds a fry to BECKY.]

NARRATOR: And this.

[KEVIN blows cover off straw. KEVIN and BECKY laugh.]

[Shot of WINNIE.]

WINNIE: You guys make a really cute couple.

NARRATOR: Boy, was she steamed. It's not the same without little Kevin Arnold to kick around anymore, is it?

[KEVIN stares at WINNIE as she walks away.]

BECKY: [snapping fingers to get KEVIN's attention] Anybody home?

KEVIN: What?

BECKY: I asked if you like ketchup on your fries.

KEVIN: [desinterested] Sure, whatever you like.

[BECKY noisily squirts ketchup.]

BECKY: You're so weird sometimes.

Cut to


INT. DAY. SCHOOL HALLWAY.

NARRATOR: I knew it was despicable, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities: Becky and I sharing a carton of milk in front of Winnie. Walking past her locker with our hands in each other's back pockets. Maybe even a well-timed smooch out by the busses.

[KEVIN meets PAUL and CARLA in hall.]

KEVIN: Hi, guys.

CARLA: I'm really sorry, Kevin.

KEVIN: What?

CARLA: You mean you don't know?

KEVIN: What?

CARLA: Oh, God, me and my big mouth.

[CARLA looks down, realizing her mistake.]

KEVIN: [impatient] What?!

CARLA: Paul, you'd better tell him.

PAUL: Me?

KEVIN: Paul!

PAUL: Becky Slater is breaking up with you.

KEVIN: What? She's breaking up with me?

CARLA: Oh, God. We didn't mean to tell you. We thought everybody knew.

BOY #2: [passing KEVIN in hall] Hey, Arnold. Tough luck about Slater.

KEVIN: [shouting down hall after him] Hey, I didn't even like her!

PAUL: Kev, look, there's other fish in the sea.

KEVIN: I can't believe this. How could she break up with me?

CARLA: Kevin, you really can't blame her. I mean it's so obvious.

KEVIN: What?

CARLA: That you still like Winnie Cooper.

KEVIN: What!?

NARRATOR: Well, that did it. I'd had it up to here with Winnie Cooper.

[Shot of KEVIN walking determinedly in hallway.]

NARRATOR: It was time to lay it on the line, to force her hand. I was just going to walk right up to her and ask her once and for all what was going on with her and Kirk Mc--

[KEVIN sees WINNIE and KIRK embrace and kiss.]

[KEVIN turns away. He starts walking slowly down hallway.] [Twangy guitar music plays.]

NARRATOR: And so it finally happened. My poor, twelve-year-old heart finally crumbled into a little pile of dust and blew away. It was over. I was never going to get her back. It was time for a little self-respect. It was time to let go. Time to move on. After all, who needed women? Who needed friends? I'd just walk alone from now on. Yep, that was me, Kevin Arnold: lone wolf.

[KEVIN looks up and howls to sound of wolf.]

Cut to


EXT. DAY. FRONT OF SCHOOL.

[KEVIN is walking out of school. He sees BECKY at bus area.]

NARRATOR: There was just one loose end I had to tie up.

[KEVIN approaches BECKY, who is last in line to get on the bus.]

KEVIN: For your information, I don't like Winnie Cooper.

BECKY: Tell me about it.

KEVIN: All right, I used to like her. But I don't anymore.

BECKY: Ya, sure!

KEVIN: I don't!

[BECKY looks at KEVIN, then looks down. She looks up again.]

BECKY: Do you like me?

KEVIN: I don't even really know you.

BECKY [a little hurt]: Well, I don't know you, and I like you.

KEVIN: It was just this whole stupid going-steady thing. I didn't even want to go steady.

BECKY: Well then, why did you ask me in the first place?

KEVIN: I don't know, it--

[BECKY's bus pulls away. BECKY turns toward the bus.]

BECKY: Wait! Great, there goes my bus.

[BECKY stands with her back to KEVIN, watching bus drive away.]

[Shot of KEVIN looking at BECKY.]

NARRATOR: Standing there alone with Becky, I felt a warmth, an attraction, a tenderness for another girl for the first time since I'd lost Winnie Cooper.

BECKY [turning towards KEVIN]: You're such a jerk! Thanks for nothing.

[BECKY starts down the street.]

KEVIN: Wait.

[BECKY keeps walking.]

KEVIN: How are you gonna get home?

[He catches up with her.]

BECKY: How do you think?

KEVIN: Well, do you want me to walk with you? It--it's on the way and stuff.

[BECKY keeps walking, She looks over at KEVIN.]

BECKY: Don't do me any favors.

KEVIN: No!

[He holds BECKY's arm and stops her.]

KEVIN: I want to.

[Shot changes to long shot looking down sidewalk, KEVIN and BECKY are in middle ground.]

[KEVIN takes BECKY's books.]

[Music of Carole King's "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" starts.]

[They begin to walk down street together, away from camera.]

SONG: Tonight you're mine completely

[Long shot as KEVIN puts arm around BECKY.]

You give your love so sweetly

[BECKY pushes his hand off her shoulder.]

Tonight the light of love is in your eyes

[They continue to walk along.]

But will you love me tomorrow?

Fade to

CLOSING CREDITS


The transcription was made from the show as aired by Nick At Nite, Oct. 14, 1998. Nick appears to show the episodes uncut. The closing credits include too many "Kids" to account for speaking parts ("Kid," "Kid #2," and "Kid in line").

If you have any comments or notice any mistakes, please send it to reynders@merck.de Peter.

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