NARRATOR: October 17th, 1968.
[Announcements can be heard on the speaker. KEVIN and LISA are making faces and signs to one another, making reference to the announcements.]
[Shot of speaker on wall.]
MR DIPERNA [on speaker]: Testing. Testing 1, 2, 3...
[Shot of KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: I had assumed my standard home room position, drooling in the general direction of Lisa Berlini. [Shot of Lisa] But today, things were different between Lisa and me.
MR DIPERNA: RFK Junior High's revised dress code has been posted outside my office. Although it's fairly self explanatory, I'd like to take this opportunity...
NARRATOR: You see, the night before we'd spent very close to four complete minutes talking to each other on the telephone. Our relationship was entering the fast lane of the seventh grade social scene and it was up to me to keep the ball rolling.
MR DIPERNA: Section Two, Article One - the mini skirt clause. [He clears his throat] Any skirt cut higher than two inches above the knees will call for immediate disciplinary action.
[KEVIN pops his cheek. The class laughs. LISA smiles at KEVIN.]
MR DIPERNA: Section Two, Article Two...
[Shot of MRS RITVO standing at blackboard, glaring at KEVIN.]
MRS RITVO: Is there a problem, Mr. Arnold?
KEVIN: Uh, no ma'am.
[LISA smiles.]
NARRATOR: Yeah, I was looking pretty good now. All I had to do was plot my next move.
[Shot of class listening to announcements.]
MR DIPERNA: RFK's first Fall dance will take place this Friday night. So for music and fun, dancing and romancing, come one, come all and have a ball.
[Shot of LISA looking KEVIN up and down, smiling.]
MR DIPERNA: That is all.
PAUL: You're gonna ask Lisa Berlini, aren't you?
KEVIN: I don't know. Maybe.
PAUL: Then who am I supposed to go with?
KEVIN: I don't know. Hey, why don't you ask Carla Healy?
[PAUL starts sneezing and sniffling.]
PAUL: No way. No way.
KEVIN: Why not? I hear she likes you.
PAUL: Just stop talking about her, okay?
NARRATOR: The words 'Carla' and 'Healy' had the same effect on Paul as seafood and grass pollen - severe membrane inflammation.
[Shot of WINNIE approaching.]
[WINNIE looks at PAUL.]
WINNIE [to KEVIN]: What's wrong with him?
KEVIN: I said the 'C' word.
WINNIE: Carla Healy?
[PAUL sneezes.]
WINNIE: [to PAUL] Are you gonna ask her to the dance or something?
PAUL: No way, I'm not.
WINNIE: [to KEVIN] You mean, you're asking Carla Healy?
PAUL: No he's asking Lisa Berlini.
[KEVIN looks sternly at PAUL who is vigorously scratching his chin.]
WINNIE: Lisa Berlini, huh?
KEVIN: Yeah. I don't know. I might not.
WINNIE: You know, you should. She's nice.
KEVIN: She's okay.
WINNIE: Well, I guess I'll see you guys later.
[WINNIE leaves. “Winnie’s Theme” starts.]
[KEVIN watches WINNIE walk away.]
[KEVIN slams his locker and turns to PAUL.]
PAUL: What? [Gestures.]
MR. KATZ: They're called dead whales, people. My question to you is, why?
[KEVIN is sitting at a desk beside LISA.]
NARRATOR: I felt sort of weird talking to Winnie about Lisa but I'd forgot all that by social studies. The lights were dimmed for a slide show on pollution [Shot of KEVIN looking at LISA] and I was within striking distance [LISA brushes hand through hair.] of the best smelling head of hair in the seventh grade.
[Shot of MR KATZ holding a pointer.]
MR. KATZ: Where have all the flowers gone? [Slide changes.] How many roads must a man walk down?
[KEVIN looks at LISA. LISA looks at KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: The time was right for the most intimate form of communication known to twelve-year-old man - [Music “The Letter” starts.] [KEVIN looks at LISA.] inter-classroom note writing.
[KEVIN writes something in his notebook, rips the page, then passes the note to LISA.]
[Shot of KEVIN's note:] Pretty interesting stuff huh?
[LISA writes a note and passes it to KEVIN.]
[Shot of LISA's note:] Tell me about it.
[They continue to pass notes.]
[Shot of KEVIN's note:] At least we won't have any homework.
NARRATOR: In a note you could say anything you wanted to. Lines I would have choked on under the glare of fluorescent lights were coming out like poetry with the venetian blinds drawn.
[Shot of LISA's note:] I hope you're right.
[Shot of KEVIN's note:] Are you going to the dance on Friday?
[LISA smiles.]
[Shot of LISA's note:] Maybe....
NARRATOR: The signs were there. She wanted me.
[KEVIN sharpens his pencil.]
NARRATOR: It was time to throw caution to the wind.
[Shot of KEVIN's note:] Want to go to the dance with me?
[KEVIN watches LISA read the note.]
MR. KATZ: The problem is excess. We keep pushing, pushing and it always ends up by us going one step too far.
[Shot of KEVIN getting nervous.]
NARRATOR: Dear God, he was right. What was I thinking? I mean, one lousy phone call, a couple of notes and suddenly I'm asking her to the dance? It was all happening too quickly. I wanted that note back.
[LISA throws a note on KEVIN’s desk.]
[Shot of LISA's note:] OKAY. [Editor's note: The “O” is a smiley-face.]
[KEVIN smiles at LISA.]
NARRATOR: Then again, why stop when you're on a roll?
[LISA smiles demurely at KEVIN again.]
MR. KATZ: Lights, please.
[The lights come on. The bell rings. The class begin to exit.]
NARRATOR: It was all so perfect. With one flick of the wrist I'd opened up an entirely new and exciting chapter in my life as an adolescent.
[KEVIN follows LISA into the hallway.]
NARRATOR: Lisa Berlini was mine to have and to hold, for better or for worse, till death do us part.
[KEVIN sees LISA standing just outside of the classroom door. She has been stopped by BRAD.]
BRAD: Hi, Lisa. You want to go to dance with me on Friday?
[Shot of LISA and BRAD. KEVIN is standing behind LISA and frowning.]
LISA: Okay.
BRAD: Great. I'll see you.
NARRATOR: I had it in writing. Maybe there was some legal action I could take.
[Shot of LISA talking to her girlfriend. KEVIN is behind her.]
KEVIN: Um, Lisa?
[LISA turns.]
LISA: Oh, Kevin. [Surprised smile.]
KEVIN: Yeah. Um, did you just say you'd go to the dance with Brad?
[Shot of LISA looking a bit worried.]
NARRATOR: I'd seen that look before, in 1964 when my mother put our cocker spaniel to sleep.
LISA: Well, yeah.
KEVIN: But you just said you'd go with me.
LISA: That was before Brad asked me.
KEVIN: So?
LISA: So I didn't know he was gonna ask me when I said 'yes' to you.
KEVIN: So?
LISA: Well, I mean, you're not gonna be weird about this or anything, are you? [KEVIN sighs and shrugs.] I mean, I really like you, Kevin, as a... [Freeze–frame of Lisa in mid-sentence.]
NARRATOR: And that's when she said it. The word I was to hear from beautiful girls, like Lisa Berlini, time and time again. The word that struck a chord so violent in me that I wanted to strangle guys like Brad Gaines with my bare hands.
LISA: ...friend.
NARRATOR: Argh!
[Shot of KEVIN looking hurt.]
PAUL: Tough break with this Lisa Berlini thing, huh? [He smiles.]
[Shot of KEVIN, PAUL, and WINNIE sitting at a table.]
NARRATOR: At least Paul was happy to hear of my rejection. It meant he wouldn't have to ask Carla Healy to be his date.
WINNIE: [to KEVIN] Aren't you gonna eat your hamburger?
KEVIN: I'm not hungry.
PAUL: I wouldn't eat it either. You see how they make the hamburgers? They put all this gross stuff in it.
WINNIE: It tastes all right to me.
PAUL: I heard Eddie Obin bit into a hamburger and a bug flew out from under the bun.
WINNIE: No way.
PAUL: That's what he said.
WINNIE: I don't believe it.
PAUL: I do. It's documented fact.
[KEVIN bangs the table with his fist.]
NARRATOR: All right, that did it. There was only so much one guy could take.
KEVIN: First of all, there's no way a bug can breathe under a hamburger bun and it probably would have suffocated before Eddie even bit into it.
WINNIE: That's right. And besides that, a bug is too quick to get caught in a hamburger to begin with.
KEVIN: Let's say it did get caught under the bun but didn't suffocate. It probably would have flown away when...
KEVIN and WINNIE: [simultaneously] ...Eddie put the ketchup on.
[KEVIN and WINNIE look at each other.]
NARRATOR: Winnie and I always saw eye to eye on stuff like that. It was like we were born under the same sign or something.
PAUL: Suit yourselves. I'm getting an ice cream sandwich.
[PAUL leaves. WINNIE looks at KEVIN, then picks up the lunch menu.]
KEVIN: Oh, is that the new lunch menu?
WINNIE: Yeah. Pizza boats, chilled pears, and carrot sticks on Wednesday.
[Shot of KEVIN looking at WINNIE.]
NARRATOR: Maybe it was the buzz of the cafeteria, maybe it was the sting from Lisa Berlini, but sitting there across from Winnie, I felt a hunger burning within me.
[Shot of WINNIE reading from menu.]
WINNIE: Sloppy Joes, Tater Tots, and an orange wedge on Thursday.
KEVIN: I love sloppy joes.
WINNIE: Me too.
NARRATOR: Her message seemed clear enough. Behind the charade of the lunch menu recital burned the untapped rage of our secret passion.
[WINNIE looks directly at KEVIN.]
WINNIE: On Friday it's macaroni and cheese, peanut butter cookies, and fruit cocktail.
[KEVIN leans forward.]
KEVIN: Winnie, will you go to the dance with me?
WINNIE: Dance? [Pause. She looks sad.] I can't. I'm already going with Kirk McCray.
[KEVIN sits back, dejectedly.]
PAUL: God, Winnie Cooper and an eighth grader. [Shot of KIRK and WINNIE a little ways down the hallway.] Can you believe it?
KEVIN: Really amazing.
PAUL: I mean... he's actually... cool.
KEVIN: So I'm told.
PAUL: Captain of the Football team, Mr. Popularity.
[KEVIN turns to PAUL and shakes his finger.]
KEVIN: Look, Paul. There's more to life than being cool, athletic and popular!
NARRATOR: It was all too much to take. First Lisa Berlini had opened the wound. [Shot of KIRK and WINNIE talking and smiling.] Now Winnie Cooper poured the salt. [Shot of KEVIN and PAUL at lockers.] There was only one solution left with regards to the upcoming dance.
PAUL: So I guess it's just you and me for the dance on Friday, huh? [He smiles.]
KEVIN: Nope, I'm not going.
[KEVIN slams his locker and walks out of scene.]
PAUL: What?!
[They start to walk to Kevin’s house.]
PAUL: You've got to go.
KEVIN: No, I don't.
PAUL: Kevin, you know I can't go if you don't go.
KEVIN: Yes, you can. You can do anything you want. I'm staying home.
PAUL: Kevin, only losers stay home.
KEVIN: Then I guess I'm a loser. What's the big deal anyway, it's just a stupid dance.
PAUL: Just a dance? Just a dance?!
PAUL (V/O): Just a dance?!
[KEVIN enters his bedroom and flops face-down under the pillow. PAUL follows him in.]
PAUL: Kev, you’re making a big mistake!
KEVIN [under pillow]: No I’m not! Now go away!
PAUL: I just can’t show up to this thing alone!
[KEVIN sits up.]
KEVIN: Then don’t! Go ask Carla Healy. And stop bothering me!
[KEVIN beats his chest.]
PAUL [defensively]: Maybe I will!
KEVIN: Fine!
PAUL: Good!
[PAUL picks up his books and stomps out.]
[Sound of door slamming and PAUL sneezing.]
[Shot of KEVIN looking dejected.]
[Sound of TV music.]
ANTHONY: Jeannie, I want to have...
[JEANNIE gets up and hugs ANTHONY.]
JEANNIE: Oh, Master! I’ve been so unhappy. All I wish to do is please you!
[Shot of KEVIN at kitchen table.]
ANTHONY: Jeannie, I can't figure you out. You've never behaved this way before.
JEANNIE: Oh, no, master, I only want to make you happy.
NARRATOR: Oh, what I would've given for one of those.
[NORMA places a stack of plates on the table in front of KEVIN.]
JEANNIE (V/O): Command me to do anything, Master!
NORMA: If you guys want to eat tonight you've gotta set the table for me.
KEVIN [complaining]: Mom...
NORMA: And I'd appreciate if you do it now. Not in an hour, not after I Dream of Jeannie, but now.
[NORMA switches off the television.]
[KEVIN reluctantly begins to set the table.)]
NARRATOR: First Lisa Berlini, then Winnie Cooper, now my own flesh and blood. Women were proving to be the bane of my existence.
NORMA: Kevin?
KEVIN: Huh?
NORMA: Are you feeling all right?
KEVIN: Yeah.
NORMA: Something happen at school?
KEVIN: No.
NARRATOR: I was too complicated to be pried open like that. I had my dignity.
NORMA: You sure?
KEVIN: I don't think Mrs. Cooper's a very good mother.
NORMA: I beg your pardon?
KEVIN: Well, it's just that she's letting Winnie go to this dance with this big eighth grader and he's a real jerk. I don't think she should let her go.
NORMA: Well, is there something Mrs. Cooper should know about this eighth grader? Does he take drugs or something?
KEVIN: No.
NORMA: Well, what is it then?
KEVIN: Well, it's just that he's this eighth grader and he thinks he's so cool and...Winnie's very young, mom.
NORMA: I know, she is. Did anyone else ask her?
KEVIN: Well, how am I supposed to know? I'm not even going.
NORMA: Well, I guess we don't really have a lot to say about who Winnie goes to the dance with.
KEVIN: I know.
NORMA: And just because you go to a dance with someone doesn't mean you have to spend the whole night dancing with them.
KEVIN: Yeah.
NORMA: The great thing about a dance is that anything can happen.
NARRATOR: Mom's advice always followed a certain logic but somehow it was gonna take that extra maternal nudge to kick me into action.
NORMA: But if you do decide to stay home, we're having company Friday night so you can be mother's little helper.
[NORMA taps KEVIN's nose. KEVIN frowns.]
KEVIN: [to himself] Hi. Would you care to dance?
[He returns, wearing a moire-patterned shirt.]
KEVIN: Hello there. I couldn't help noticing you all alone over here. You wanna dance?
[He returns, wearing different clothing.]
[He returns, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses.]
KEVIN: Yo, babe! On the dance floor. I don't got all night.
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL on the couch, watching KAREN demonstrate dancing.]
KAREN [dancing]: Just let it all hang out. Get in touch with your body.
[Cut to JACK and NORMA dance to “Girl From Ipanema”.]
[Cut to WAYNE dances to “Louie, Louie”.]
[KEVIN and PAUL shake their heads.]
NARRATOR: This was not for us, not in public.
NARRATOR: But in private...
[Coach CUTLIP blows his whistle and points toward someone. KEVIN and PAUL enter.]
PAUL: Are you sure I look better without my glasses?
KEVIN: You look like a million bucks.
[KEVIN smoothes his own hair.]
KEVIN: How do I look?
[PAUL stares closely. He is unable to see clearly without his glasses.]
PAUL: I have absolutely no idea.
[Shot of dance floor.]
[PAUL looks off.]
PAUL: There's Winnie!
KEVIN: Where?
PAUL: Over there, by the punch bowl.
KEVIN: That's Mr. Cutlip, Paul.
[Shot of CUTLIP tossing popcorn into his mouth.]
PAUL: Oh, yeah.
[Fade to the same room. Shot of DJ putting record on.] [Music “There’s Kind of s Hush” starts.]
[Shot of KEVIN and PAUL walking away from refreshment table with cups.]
NARRATOR: The goal at a junior high school dance is to look as busy as possible without actually setting foot on the dance floor.
[KEVIN throws a paper cup into the trashcan. PAUL throws his cup and misses, hitting CARLA. She turns]
KEVIN: Good job, Paul, look who you just hit.
[CARLA smiles at PAUL. He stares carefully, spotting CARLA. He starts sneezing.]
KEVIN: Why don't you go over and ask her to dance?
PAUL: Is she looking over here?
[PAUL sneezes.]
KEVIN: No, she's not looking over here.
PAUL: Good.
KEVIN: She's coming over here.
[PAUL looks shocked. CARLA approaches, smiling. C sneezes.]
CARLA: Hi, Paul.
PAUL: Hi, Carla.
[PAUL looks embarrassed. CARLA looks embarrassed. KEVIN joins their hands together.]
KEVIN: Carla, I think Paul over here has a little something to ask you.
[PAUL looks up in surprise.]
CARLA: Okay! [She smiles and pulls PAUL onto the dance floor. They start to dance.]
[Shot of KEVIN getting punch.]
NARRATOR: It was as sorrowful a spectacle as I had ever seen on the evening news.
[Shot of CARLA dancing excitedly. PAUL is barely moving, and looking toward KEVIN.]
[Fade to the same room.]
[Shot of KEVIN next to the punch bowl.]
[Shot of PAUL dancing well with CARLA.]
NARRATOR: But then an amazing thing began to happen. Paul actually began to enjoy himself.
[PAUL waves to KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: By my third cup of punch, he was having the time of his life and I began to realize what a miserable time I was having.
[KEVIN walks away from the punch bowl and sits on the spectator seating.]
NARRATOR: And it wasn't just Paul. [Shot of LISA and BRAD.] Lisa Berlini was having the time of her life. [Shot of MRS RITVO.] Mrs. Ritvo was having the time of her life. [Shot of janitor emptying trash.] Even Rodney the custodian was having the time of his life. [Shot of KEVIN with chin in hands.] I was in hell.
[KEVIN notices that WINNIE enters.]
NARRATOR: And that's when Winnie Cooper entered the gym. I had never seen her look prettier than she did standing there in the doorway.
[KIRK enters.]
NARRATOR: Until Kirk McCray walked in behind her, then she looked beautiful. [KIRK and WINNIE walk off.] It was all so unfair. I mean, this guy already had everything. [Shot of WINNIE and KIRK.] And now he had my Winnie. I wasn't gonna just stand idly by.
[KEVIN gets up and walks across the dance floor toward WINNIE.]
NARRATOR: It was time to do what any hot blooded twelve-year-old guy would have done if he were in my shoes.
[WINNIE half-turns.]
KEVIN: [V/O, to a CUTE GIRL standing next to WINNIE] Do you want to dance?
CUTE GIRL: Sure.
[KEVIN and CUTE GIRL walk onto the dance floor and start dancing.]
NARRATOR: Try to make Winnie as furiously jealous as I was. The key would be to appear like I was having the time of my life and dance as I had never danced before.
[WINNIE starts dancing with KIRK.]
NARRATOR: Apparently, Winnie was playing the same game.
[Music: “Cherish” begins to play.] [WINNIE and KIRK get close.]
KEVIN: Do you want to keep going?
CUTE GIRL: Sure, I guess so.
[KEVIN and the CUTE GIRL dance closely. KEVIN is watching WINNIE.]
NARRATOR: It all made sense at the time. This would be the moment when Winnie's eyes met mine across the dance floor and we'd both realize we were really meant to be dancing with each other.
[Shot of WINNIE putting her head on KIRK’s shoulder.]
[KEVIN stops dancing.]
KEVIN: Um, excuse me, I'm just gonna go outside for a minute.
[KEVIN exits. WINNIE sees him leave.] [Music fades out.]
The following scene in red is not shown in some re-runs:
NARRATOR: Sitting alone outside the school, I kept wondering what it would be like if I had asked Winnie first. Had I meant anything at all to her?
[Closer shot of KEVIN looking unhappy.]
NARRATOR: How could she have forgotten me so quickly?
[“Boink!” sound effect.]
WINNIE as JEANNIE (V/O): Oh, Master!
[KEVIN looks up.]
WINNIE as JEANNIE (V/O): Why so glum?
[Shot changes to black-and-white. WINNIE, dressed as Jeannie, sits next to KEVIN.]
WINNIE as JEANNIE: Please don’t be upset with me, Master! I only wish to please you!
[Sound of laugh-track, as KEVIN looks confused.]
KEVIN: Huh?
WINNIE as JEANNIE: I was only using him to make you jealous.
KEVIN: I knew it!
[Shot of KEVIN and WINNIE of them sitting.]
KEVIN: You never even said a word to me all n-
[“Boink!” sound effect as “Jeannie” is popped out of the scene. Picture changes back to color.]
[Shot of KEVIN thinking.]
NARRATOR: Well, you can’t blame a guy for dreaming. But really, I knew I had blown it. First, I’d forgotten about Winnie, now she’d forgotten about me. I guess it was only fair.
WINNIE (V/O): Kevin? What are you doing out here?
[KEVIN turns. WINNIE approaches.]
KEVIN: Nothing. [KEVIN looks up at WINNIE.] What're you doing out here?
WINNIE: I don't know.
[WINNIE sits beside KEVIN. Sit a few seconds in silence.]
KEVIN: Do you like him?
WINNIE: He's nice.
[They sit a few seconds.]
KEVIN: Winnie, can I ask you one more thing? [Music “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long” starts.]
NARRATOR: And so Winnie and I had our one slow dance after all. But things wouldn't be the same between us. We were getting older. And whether we wanted it or not, ...
[Camera slowly pulls up and back to include more couples dancing.]
NARRATOR: the Lisa Berlinis and the Kirk McCrays were changing us by the minute. All we could do was close our eyes and wish that the slow song would never end.
[Picture fades to black-and-white, then freezes. Picture cuts to credits as music swells then fades.]
CLOSING TITLES
This transcript compiled by Shayne Lennox. Please mail to reynders@merck.de Peter if you find any errors, or if you have any comments or suggestions. Thanks to Kyle Gittins for major additions.