OPENING TITLES
[KEVIN is mowing the lawn, his DAD is taking something out of the car.]
DAD: Hey Kevin ! Watch where you're going, you missed a patch !
KEVIN: Sorry, dad.
[KEVIN watches some guy picking up his girlfriend in a convertible.]
NARRATOR: Still, for me, at sixteen, lawn-care had given way to something much, much more important: The drivers-license. It separates the boys from the men. And so on, and so forth.
DAD: Kev ? What the hell are you doing there ?
KEVIN: Well I was just -
DAD: You're burning a hole in the yard !
KEVIN: Right, dad.
DAD: And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished !
KEVIN: Okay, I will !
NARRATOR: But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade it was time to put the mower in mothballs. Forget the crabgrass. Make the step from two cylinders to real horsepower.
COACH: Okay now Miss Pedermier, let's try it again. But this time, easy on the break. Okay ?
ALICE: Which one's the break ?
NARRATOR: Driver's Ed. The final demarcation-line between those who could, and those who probably shouldn't.
COACH: Easy gas, easy break, easy gas ?
NARRATOR: By the second week of on-road training, one thing was clear.
[HAROLD finds something behind his chair.]
HAROLD: Look, used gum !
SLOVOSKI: Yeah ? Hey, what flavor ?
NARRATOR: When it came to operating a motor vehicle, these other kids were gonna need a lot of help.
COACH: That's fine for today, Miss Pedermier.
ALICE: I thought you said we were gonna do freeways ? I wanna do freeways !
NARRATOR: Fortunately, in this car full of jokers, the coach had one ace up his sleeve.
COACH: Arnold ! Are you ready ?
KEVIN: I sure am !
NARRATOR: A man who was born to drive.
[KEVIN is now driving the car.]
COACH: Nice lane-change !
KEVIN: I did my best ?
NARRATOR: And, to put it simply, my best was a lot better than anyone else's.
COACH: I'd like everyone to notice how Arnold here looked over his left shoulder before emerging. That's this side, Slovoski. And his hand-position, a perfect ten-and-two. The motor-vehicle people are gonna be looking for that.
KEVIN: Thanks, coach !
NARRATOR: Yeah, I didn't wanna brag, but let's face it: I had it all: The reflexes, the instinct, the timing; the whole repertoire.
[The car approaches the place to practice parallel parking.]
NARRATOR: Well, almost the whole repertoire.
COACH: Okay, we've got a couple of minutes here, so let's jump ahead to our next section: parallel parking. It will be on your road test, I repeat, It will be on the test.
NARRATOR: Hehe, you almost had to feel sorry for the poor saps.
COACH: Arnold, why don't we show them how it's done ? She's all yours !
NARRATOR: Of course it was only right I should be the first.
COACH: Left hand at noon, right arm over the bench !
NARRATOR: After all, I was the natural.
COACH: Now, ease her on in !
NARRATOR: Yep, here it was, the final frontier. The last thing that standing between me and the public road. Get this and I was home free. And that's when it happened.
[KEVIN knocks over a bunch of cones.]
KEVIN: What happened ?
ALICE: You knocked over a cone ! He knocked over a cone !
KEVIN: I did ?
SLOVOSKI: You creamed it, hehehe !
NARRATOR: It could have happened to anybody, still for some reason it rattled me.
KEVIN: Let me try it again !
[A bell rings.]
COACH: Sorry, we're out of time. We'll try it again next time. See you all on Thursday !
NARRATOR: And that was that. A small miscalculation, nothing more. Not even worth a second thought.
PAUL: Okay, you knocked over a cone, so what's the big deal ?
NARRATOR: Okay, two thoughts. But that's all.
CHUCK: Yeah, it's not like you ran over somebody's pet schnauzer or anything !
PAUL: That's disgusting !
KEVIN: Hey, you're probably right ?
CHUCK: Listen, I don't know what you're so worried about, Kevin, you're a really good driver ! I've seen you !
KEVIN: Thanks.
PAUL: Of course he's never seen you park !
CHUCK: Heh, tss ? hehehe.
KEVIN: What's that supposed to mean ?
PAUL: Nothing, it's a joke !
CHUCK: Boy, Kev, are you jumpy !
PAUL: Come on, anyone could flub up the first couple of times they parallel park, right ?
CHUCK: Absolutely !
NARRATOR: The trouble was, this wasn't just anyone we were talking about, this was - me !
KEVIN: Hey, I never said a couple of times ! It was once, okay, so let's drop it !
PAUL: Fine !
KEVIN: Besides, no one's ever failed their driver's test just because they couldn't parallel park, right ?
CHUCK: Right.
KEVIN: Right.
NARRATOR: And there you had it. Solid logic. In theory, anyway.
COACH: Okay, we'll try it again. Left hand at noon, right arm over the bench ! Ready ?
KEVIN: Got it !
NARRATOR: Of course I was ready.
KEVIN: Slovosky, move your head !
NARRATOR: I was just a little tense, that's all. After all, I had a reputation at stake here. Still, with the proper amount of concentration, plus the old God given natural instincts - Yeah, what a comeback, from hereon in it's gonna be smooth sailing.
[The COACH looks outside and sees half of the car is still on the road.]
NARRATOR: If you didn't mind swimming to the curb -
ALICE: He missed !
[Everybody laughs.]
COACH: Well, Arnold, may be next time we can try parking the rest of the car.
NARRATOR: That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kind of good, familiar. Not like driving.
DAD: Kevin ?
KEVIN: I know, I know, I'm putting it away !
DAD: No, we gotta go pick up new shower doors. Here, you drive.
[JACK throws the car-keys to KEVIN.]
DAD: You've got your drivers-test coming up, you wanna practice, don't you ?
KEVIN: Sure, but -
NARRATOR: Of course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in dad's gas-guzzler, but -
KEVIN: I don't know dad, maybe I'll just ... stay here.
DAD: Why ? Is something wrong ?
KEVIN: No, it's just that -
NARRATOR: I should've told him. I should've told him, but I didn't.
KEVIN: Never mind.
DAD: Come on, let's go.
NARRATOR: I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over.
DAD: Not bad, you're okay.
KEVIN: Thanks !
NARRATOR: Or maybe I needed a little confidence building from the big man. In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again.
DAD: Why don't you pull her in over there ?
[A car leaves a small parking space next to the road.]
DAD: Go ahead, slip her in !
KEVIN: Sure, I'm on it, dad.
NARRATOR: Of course this was no time to panic, I knew that. This was simple. Just a matter of legging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space. Nothing to it. Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly. Rationally. And that's when I made my fatal mistake. I thought about it a second to long.
DAD: Kev ?
KEVIN: Huh ?
DAD: What are you waiting for ?
KEVIN: Uhh ? Nothing.
NARRATOR: But when I sat there, completely paralyzed, I knew one thing. Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now.
[A Volkswagen Beetle parks in the space where KEVIN was supposed to park.]
NARRATOR: Or a 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle.
DAD: What did that guy think he's doing ? Didn't he see the blinker ? The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road !
KEVIN: Tell me about it.
DAD: Well then just - go around.
KEVIN: Sure dad.
NARRATOR: But even though I escaped this time, one thing seemed clearer than ever. Instead of living life in the fast lane, I was doomed to spend the rest of mine circling the block. [Pause] Coming of age in suburbia: the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur.
NARRATOR: For anybody who could parallel park anyway. With my drivers-test just a few days away ?
[JACK parks his car and steps out of it.]
DAD: Hey, Kevin ! Don't forget to put that away !
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah ?
NARRATOR: It was beginning to seem like the only wheel's I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a moulds-attachment.
COACH: Okay now, ease her on in. And - perfect.
NARRATOR: The more I tried, the worse things got. I guess you could say it was starting to affect my self-image.
COACH: That's almost everyone. Your turn, bovine !
[KEVIN turns in to a shepherdess.]
NARRATOR: It was clear that if I wanted to pull out of this, I needed to re-establish my territory. Assert my masculinity. The question was: How ?
JESSICA: Hi Kevin !
NARRATOR: Hello !
KEVIN: Jessica ! Hi !
NARRATOR: Jessica Thomas. Just the kind of woman who could turn a man around.
JESSICA: I was wandering if I could borrow your bio notes ? From yesterday ?
NARRATOR: And I had something she wanted.
KEVIN: Sure !
[KEVIN hands over the notes.]
KEVIN: So, are you busy Friday night ?
JESSICA: Maybe ? Maybe not ?
KEVIN: Well, there's a dance. Wanna go ?
JESSICA: I'm not big on dances.
KEVIN: Or we could ditch it.
JESSICA: I might have plans.
KEVIN: Cancel them.
NARRATOR: Okay, it was a risk, but ?
JESSICA: Alright, I will !
NARRATOR: Bingo !
JESSICA: So ? Friday then ?
KEVIN: Friday.
NARRATOR: Yes. I saw the mountain and I took it.
JESSICA: So, you'll pick me up at eight ? You can park the car out front.
NARRATOR: Park ?
KEVIN: Car ?
JESSICA: And honk ?
[JESSICA walks away and KEVIN turns into a shepherdess again.]
KEVIN: I've come to take my road test. Now !
NARRATOR: I'd had it. I wasn't gonna spend the rest of my life as a shepherdess !
Man at counter: Take a seat and wait for your turn.
NARRATOR: Okay, be rude about it. I didn't care. It was time to take the bull by the horns.
[MOM is behind a window and waves to KEVIN.]
NARRATOR: I didn't care who was watching. And the thing is, now that I was there, I actually felt kind of - calm. No question about it. From hereon in, it was just a matter of time.
[A clock is ticking and names are being called.]
NARRATOR: Nothing to do but wait ? Any minute now ? And then, the wheels came off.
[KEVIN's name is being called.]
NARRATOR: Now I swear to you, I swear I was ready. To the deepest fiber in my being, I was focussed, confident, I was -
[An old lady grabs KEVIN and wishes him good luck.]
NARRATOR: I was out of there.
[KEVIN enters a hall where his mother is waiting for him.]
MOM: Oh, finished honey ?
KEVIN: Yeah, come on.
MOM: How did it go ?
KEVIN: Piece of cake !
NARRATOR: You heard it, piece of cake.
DAD: Congratulations, Kev !
MOM: You did it honey !
KEVIN: Thanks dad, this is really - great.
NARRATOR: It was terrible. I was a failure and a liar in front of my whole family.
[WAYNE enters the room.]
WAYNE: Well, let's see it, butthead !
KEVIN: What ?
WAYNE: The drivers-license, where is it ? You didn't lose it already, did you ?
KEVIN: No, no, I just left it in my other pants, in my other wallet ! Besides, it's just a temporary !
MOM: I can't believe it. I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike, and now you're driving. I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast.
NARRATOR: I couldn't believe it. My parents were getting spongy on me, washing away in sentimentality. So there was only one thing to say.
KEVIN: I gotta go to the bathroom.
DAD: Not so fast.
KEVIN: Yeah, dad ?
DAD: Here. Your mother and I got you something. You're gonna need these ?
[JACK hands KEVIN a small, wrapped-up box.]
DAD: It's your own set of keys to the car.
NARRATOR: Oh, Geez -
KEVIN: Thanks ?
DAD: I'm proud of you, son.
NARRATOR: I couldn't get to sleep that night. I kept thinking about the future. How I was gonna grow up, go to college, raise a family, and be the only all-pro quarterback who ever had to ride his bicycle to the superbowl. And that's when I knew what I had to do.
NARRATOR: Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to proof his manhood, I was going to learn to parallel park, the only way I knew how to: alone. Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto, but there was a greater need here, I had to take my chance and I had to do it now. And the path was clear ahead.
[The car hits the lawnmower.]
NARRATOR: Or so I thought. At that moment I hit rock bottom. I couldn't drive, I couldn't park, I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower. I couldn't feel any worse.
[JACK comes outside.]
DAD: Hey ! Who's out there ?
NARRATOR: Except then I did. The funny thing is, for a second I actually thought about running for my life.
DAD: What the hell is going on here ?
NARRATOR: But somehow I guess I knew I just couldn't run anymore. It was time to face the truth.
KEVIN: I don't know how to park. I lied about my license. I never took the test.
[He hands over the car-keys.]
KEVIN: Here, take them. I don't want them.
NARRATOR: And may be in that moment I learned something. About being a man.
DAD: Yeah, you do. Come on, let's go.
KEVIN: Where ?
DAD: You gotta start somewhere.
[JACK gives the keys back.]
NARRATOR: And I learned it from the guy who wrote the book.
[KEVIN and JACK get in the car and JACKteaches KEVIN how to parallel park.]
NARRATOR: That night my dad taught me a lot. How to parallel park, why you put away the lawnmower. And in some small way, what it takes to grow up. That Monday he took the afternoon off, and we went and got my license. He was so proud. Then he took it away, and grounded me for a month.
CLOSING TITLES
Guest starring:
Michael Gregory as Coach Meecham
Lindsay Sloane as Alice Pedermier
Josh Berman as Harold Grutner
Troy Fromin as Slovoski
Andrew Mark Berman as Chuck Coleman
And Alicia Silverstone as Jessica Thomas
This transcript was written by Jelmer Hamstra. If you have comments or found any mistakes, please send an e-mail reynders@merck.de Peter.